I was a bundle of nerves leading up to my sonogram on Monday morning. The rest of our vacation was great – relaxing, fun, restful – and for most of it, I had [relative] peace of mind and joy thinking about our pregnancy. Once we got home and Monday morning loomed closer, the knot inside my stomach made its presence known in a more pronounced way.
I went to this sonogram alone; J wasn’t able to take off any more time after being away for two weeks. I toyed with the idea of asking a friend to come with me, but in the end, I decided to go solo. I had a fair degree of nerves and nervousness, but as the appointment came closer, I kept reminding myself of God in this big picture. I wasn’t alone in this. He would be with me and give me what I needed, whatever news I received.
I was waiting on the table I knew so well, praying, taking deep breaths. As I was laying there, I heard Zac Brown come over the PA system. My husband loves Zac Brown, and I was hoping that was a good sign.
Both the sono tech and the NP were there for the sonogram. Immediately, she found the first sac. The only sac. One of our embryos held on, measuring right on schedule, in just the right place. Five weeks, four days. Cue huge sigh of relief. My face must have been blank because the NP asked me if I was disappointed. Disappointed? No. Just relieved. So, so relieved.
The sono tech relayed a few measurements to the NP, who wrote it all down, most of which was meaningless to me. There was some fluid in my ovaries, but they didn’t seem concerned.
It was a pretty uneventful meeting (trust me, I’m not complaining). Basically, she told me that everything checked out for the day’s visit, confirmed my meds – progesterone, estradiol, and lovenox – and told me to get in touch with my OB to tell them I’d be discharged to them in a few weeks. That was it. My next sonogram is next Tuesday.
As soon as I got outside, I sent J. an email at work and let him know the good news. Obviously, he was excited but still a little sad that we lost one along the way. This saddens me too, but I am just so grateful for one. One made it.
So, since then, I’ve had some increasing symptoms – a little tugging, pressure and intermittent pangs in my abdomen, slightly sore boobs, and some nausea, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep. I’m also back to work this week, so that really is a blessing in disguise. Keeps me distracted and my mind busy.
My emotions fluctuate between the ‘what-ifs’ and fighting fear that tries to force its way in – and letting go and having faith. Worrying, wondering, even trying to figure out what is going on with my body won’t change what will happen. Right now, I am still choosing to believe the best about this pregnancy, that this one is going to make it.
I know each milestone is an opportunity for worry if I let it, but next week is a big milestone for me personally. When I have my next sonogram, I will be 6 weeks, 5 days. With both of my previous pregnancies, the 6-7 week sonogram was the one where things went south. I’ve never gotten passed that point with good news on my side. Logic (and faith) tells me that there is nothing that says this one is going to end the same way the other ones have. Yet, that fear is always trying to work its way in. Like I said on my last post, I have lots of reasons to believe this one is different. And I’m going to believe that, until we know for certain that it’s not.
I’m constantly reminded to put my hope in The Lord. Hope – a confident, expected end. I’m seeing in a very real, practical way, that I need to do this on a daily, even hourly, basis. My hope is in God. He is in total and perfect control of this situation. He has me and this baby in the palm of His hand.
One of my best friends from college recently went through a double mastectomy for breast cancer, around the same time as my IVF. We were texting back and forth frequently, and she shared this verse with me: “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she laughs with no fear of the future” (Prov. 31:25). Her courage and faith has really been an inspiration to me, and I want that verse to characterize my approach through every step of this pregnancy.
Strength. Dignity. No fear of the future. It’s a tall order for me, but I want to handle whatever comes with faith and grace. I don’t want to be freaking out with every visit, over-analyzing everything I feel (or don’t feel) going on in my body, living with a constant cloud of anxiety over my head from appointment to appointment. I want to be in peaceful trust. Honestly, that feels like an impossibility for me, with my natural tendencies. But just as I am believing God for a successful pregnancy, I am equally believing God to give me grace to walk through this with peace and trust and faith.
With strength. Dignity. No fear of the future.
[Photo Credit: Pinterest]