After my miscarriage and D&C in November, I just needed a break. No plans, no trying – just healing. Seems I didn’t really have much of a choice. While my bloodwork was out, there really wasn’t much to be done. So, we just lived like we used to do, before we became one of those ‘struggling with infertility’ couples.
And it’s been good for me. I had just been too emotionally spent to even give this whole fertility issue much thought. And thankfully, the holidays were a convenient distraction, and I milked that for all it was worth.
My doctor called about a week and a half ago (just after my Master Cleanse debacle) with the results of my bloodwork. Turns out I am borderline on one test and positive on another for an autoimmune, blood-thickening issue. In real life, it probably isn’t too big of a deal, but given my history, it was enough for him to take note. He wanted me to start taking baby aspirins – and when I get pregnant, he’ll put me on something stronger.
There was one or two other items of concern, but given that we had been able to get pregnant twice (well, once with Clomid), he just wanted us to try on our own for a month or two. If nothing, then I should make an appointment to come in on CD3.
I didn’t get to ask too many more questions (I was in Walmart when he called), but I didn’t really have many more to ask. I was a little surprised he didn’t want me to try Clomid again or schedule an IUI. No, he said. Just try for a month or two on our own.
That’s it? Really?
So, we are back to the semi-old-fashioned way: no Clomid, no sonograms telling me when I’m ovulating, no tricks. Just me, the Mr., and our Clear Blue OPK.
I didn’t really know what to feel. After all the drama of the miscarriages, the D&C, all those tests – that’s it? Just try on our own for a month or two?
A little anti-climactic.
I’m not sure what to think about all this; I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I am glad that there is nothing really wrong. But on the other hand, I still feel like I don’t really have any concrete answers to my miscarriages. The blood could be an issue – but not conclusive. So what was it, then? Why? I would rather them have discovered a small but definite issue that could be easily fixed than to have this vague possible explanation.
I don’t really feel any farther than when I started. I was sort of hoping that we could do something a little more…well, pro-active.
So, I’m trying to process this, trying not to feel discouraged. And I realized that it is back to the M.O. of this whole infertility deal:
It always comes back to that, doesn’t it?
And then, I thought about the post I wrote a few weeks ago:
“It is good both to hope and wait quietly for the salvation of The Lord.”
Sigh. So it is back to that, isn’t it.
This process of taking a break, not really being able to do much for the past few months – or even now – is seeming to have the cumulative effect of prying my cold, vice-grip off of whatever illusion of control I thought I had.
Slowly letting my heart catch up with my mind and body in realizing that I am not in control. I can’t make this happen.
But God is and God can.
And that is the bottom line.
I’m growing more at peace with the idea that I have to let go. I have to. To let God be God. We can only do so much. Agonizing over what we can’t make happen is waste of time and energy. Period.
So while all is quiet on the fertility front, it is (becoming) okay. My heart is getting there, too – quiet, that is.
It is good to both hope and wait quietly for the salvation of The Lord.
[Photo Credit: Pinterest via Bridget Blood]