I’m not sure what to make of the quiet. For months it was frenzy, frenzy, frenzy – uncertainty, fear, doctor’s visits, sonograms, bloodwork.
And now?
Quiet.
After my miscarriage and D&C in November, I just needed a break. No plans, no trying – just healing. Seems I didn’t really have much of a choice. While my bloodwork was out, there really wasn’t much to be done. So, we just lived like we used to do, before we became one of those ‘struggling with infertility’ couples.
And it’s been good for me. I had just been too emotionally spent to even give this whole fertility issue much thought. And thankfully, the holidays were a convenient distraction, and I milked that for all it was worth.
My doctor called about a week and a half ago (just after my Master Cleanse debacle) with the results of my bloodwork. Turns out I am borderline on one test and positive on another for an autoimmune, blood-thickening issue. In real life, it probably isn’t too big of a deal, but given my history, it was enough for him to take note. He wanted me to start taking baby aspirins – and when I get pregnant, he’ll put me on something stronger.
There was one or two other items of concern, but given that we had been able to get pregnant twice (well, once with Clomid), he just wanted us to try on our own for a month or two. If nothing, then I should make an appointment to come in on CD3.
I didn’t get to ask too many more questions (I was in Walmart when he called), but I didn’t really have many more to ask. I was a little surprised he didn’t want me to try Clomid again or schedule an IUI. No, he said. Just try for a month or two on our own.
That’s it? Really?
So, we are back to the semi-old-fashioned way: no Clomid, no sonograms telling me when I’m ovulating, no tricks. Just me, the Mr., and our Clear Blue OPK.
I didn’t really know what to feel. After all the drama of the miscarriages, the D&C, all those tests – that’s it? Just try on our own for a month or two?
A little anti-climactic.
I’m not sure what to think about all this; I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I am glad that there is nothing really wrong. But on the other hand, I still feel like I don’t really have any concrete answers to my miscarriages. The blood could be an issue – but not conclusive. So what was it, then? Why? I would rather them have discovered a small but definite issue that could be easily fixed than to have this vague possible explanation.
I don’t really feel any farther than when I started. I was sort of hoping that we could do something a little more…well, pro-active.
So, I’m trying to process this, trying not to feel discouraged. And I realized that it is back to the M.O. of this whole infertility deal:
Waiting.
It always comes back to that, doesn’t it?
And then, I thought about the post I wrote a few weeks ago:
“It is good both to hope and wait quietly for the salvation of The Lord.”
Sigh. So it is back to that, isn’t it.
Quietly waiting.
With hope.
This process of taking a break, not really being able to do much for the past few months – or even now – is seeming to have the cumulative effect of prying my cold, vice-grip off of whatever illusion of control I thought I had.
Letting go.
Slowly letting my heart catch up with my mind and body in realizing that I am not in control. I can’t make this happen.
But God is and God can.
And that is the bottom line.
I’m growing more at peace with the idea that I have to let go. I have to. To let God be God. We can only do so much. Agonizing over what we can’t make happen is waste of time and energy. Period.
So while all is quiet on the fertility front, it is (becoming) okay. My heart is getting there, too – quiet, that is.
It is good to both hope and wait quietly for the salvation of The Lord.
[Photo Credit: Pinterest via Bridget Blood]
It is so ironic that today I wrote a blog post about “letting go”…I haven’t posted it yet. Still in the proofreading process. It seems as though with a three year old now running around, I am distracted easily.
I wanted to let you know that as I was reading your post, the words “test” kept flashing in my head. You wrote that post a couple of weeks ago and I remember it well…so does God. This may be a test to see if what you wrote, you meant even weeks later when the “going gets tough”. I bet you will pass this test with an A++
love you!!! Remember this inaction, really is action. Waiting on God is a HUGE act of faith 🙂
waitingforbabybird.com
Thanks so much, Elisha. I so appreciate when someone hears from God on my behalf and shares it with me! I am constantly being reminded of that verse, every time I feel tempted to freak out, get discouraged or worry. Thanks for encouraging me and being in this with me! xox
Thank you for sharing the process…it is such a beautiful encouragement to me. Though not all struggle with infertility I am certain all struggle with the waiting for something…a beautiful example of the struggle, the realness and I really look forward to hearing the testimonies…thank you again.
Thanks for reading and coming by, Damaris!!! It means so much to me!! Yes, everyone has a different journey, but I don’t think anyone escapes having to wait.
Thanks for your encouragement!!!xoxo
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. You know, I can’t imagine what it is like but I have formed close relationships with several women who have struggled in this area and it’s so heartbreaking to want to help, yet not know how. I think you’re right-just moving forward and continuing to live life as normally as possible is the best way. Sending positive baby-making vibes your way
Thanks for your kind words, Jen. It means so much. I think we all experience that kind of feeling when we see others hurt but can’t do anything to changes this. But just being present and showing you care really, really means so much. Thank you!! Means a ton.
Thanks for the lovely reminder to wait quietly. I always need that reminder.
I need it daily! lol (I’m working on the questions this weekend!)
Hey Katie,
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately as I continue to study regarding my own Autoimmune Disease. I keep reading about how much Autoimmune diseases can be related to infertility. I haven’t wanted to say anything about it because I hate to be one of those people that has the “key” to curing infertility. But since you mentioned it in this latest post I figured I’d poke my nose in a bit 🙂
I’ve read ALOT about Autoimmunity and how it affects our body etc… A lot of it having to do with the food that we eat and how people who have autoimmunity can inflame our bodies by foods that we eat, even seemingly nourishing foods. I won’t go into all of it just in case it isn’t of interest to you. But if you are interested in it just start googling and reading and I’m sure you’ll find a lot of info out there. I know for myself I believe the reason I miscarried was due to my Hashimoto’s that at that time, I wasn’t diagnosed with yet. Have you ever gotten your TPO Antibodies checked?
Ok. That’s my two cents. Just been on my mind as I learn. And I’ve learned a lot on how to deal with the struggles of having an autoimmune disease by changing how and what I eat. It’s been very helpful this last year.
Hope you are doing well and that I haven’t stuck my nose in where it doesn’t belong!
Deb
Deb, never an imposition! I love when others can give me insight – I’m pretty unknowledgeable. I definitely will do some research on that. I haven’t had a consult with my doctor, but I would like more particulars about the results. What are TPO antibodies??? I have definitely been motivated to eat better- and if there is a connection b/t that and infertility, I am all in. Thanks so much! You didn’t intrude at all!! Thank you!! xo
My platelets came back elevated on my last blood test and I was reading all about blood thickening and blood clots as a cause for miscarriage and I found a study that said the baby aspirin practically negates it all and healthy pregnancies free of miscarriage follow. I imagine your doctor wants to try that approach for a bit before going back on the Clomid and confusing the issues. Katie, I still feel like we will be pregnant together and I’m holding out hope for you, my friend. Big hugs and lots of love from me to you!
Thanks so much. I am hoping that is all it is and actually the cause. That would be amazing. Now, if we can just get pregnant again…. so happy for you. I totally hope your hunch is right! I would love for us to go through this journey together! 🙂
My sister is struggling to conceive right now and the doctors have told them to just keep at it. She is frustrated and my hear aches for her. I truly hope you conceive soon and have a healthy, full term pregnancy.
Best Wishes!
I’m sorry to hear about your sister. Such a hard journey. Thanks for your kind well wishes and for coming by! 🙂
Hey girl! I completely understand where you’re coming from. Waiting is both welcomed & despised at the same time.
I know you’ve probably answered this a thousand times (and I’m sorry if you have), but do you go to a fertility specialist or an obgyn?
Happy to answer! I started go to a specialist in August. He put me on Clomid right away (a fortuitous time in my cycle!) and I got pregnant right away (but miscarried)! If you want to see the whole history, there is a page on my blog about our Fertility Journey! Let me know if you need anything!
It’s always so amazing to me how closely relatable all the feelings we ‘infertiles’ are… it’s so hard to ‘do nothing’ after actively trying for so long! Care if I ask what autoimmune disease they found? My family has a long, sordid history of autoimmune diseases, most of which can contribute to infertility. It’s CRAZY how having one little thing off can create such a domino effect, huh?!
God is and God can, for sure. I am sending prayers, love and strength your way, friend!! Lots of love!!