I can’t say I’m surprised. Let’s just say that we didn’t follow the instructions to the letter (although the doc assured me we were fine), but we did the best we could. This time around, it just wasn’t enough.
The procedure itself was simple enough. Took about 20 minutes, beginning to end, and I went back to work. Kinda weird – teaching after that, but whatever. I wasn’t going to go home and take a nap.
I admit I was hopeful – when I got pregnant last time, it was my first Clomid treatment, without an IUI. But, I wasn’t crushed when I got my period.
And I wasn’t last month either.
Or the month before that.
Disappointed for a moment, but not crushed.
Truth – we really want a baby. There’s no question. But I have to let this go. I can’t live on the emotional roller coaster that revolves around the TWW and whether or not we get a BFP. Just can’t do it anymore.
And the bottom-line truth-of-the-matter is that God has a plan for us and our baby, and He knows the timing it is going to happen. No amount of planning, scheming, crying, getting depressed, or ranting is going to change any of that. Even with all of our treatment, it is only going to happen when God wants it to happen.
So I can either wait miserably – or wait in faith and hope and go on with my life. I’m making a conscious, willful choice to choose the latter. I’m choosing peace. CHOOSING peace.
I just picked up my script after Zumba, and today I am back on Clomid, CD 3. And we’ll try again this month.
Man makes his plans…but God determines his steps.
Either I trust Him or I don’t.
I’m choosing trust.