There hasn’t been much to say about our infertility journey; it’s been pretty quiet, TTC the old-fashioned way. Our RE told us if we weren’t pregnant in 1-2 cycles after my miscarriage, we should come back.
Well, we went back.
The visit was just the baseline usual – bloodwork, sonograms, consult. I started back on Clomid yesterday, a stronger dose than the last time, and we are on track for an IUI this month.
And that was that. Sort of uneventful…unexciting….standard procedure.
I’m mixed about starting this up again. Of course, we want to get pregnant, but…. well, it’s all just a tiring and stressful process. The roller coaster of emotions. The timing. The waiting. The hoping. It’s been nice having a break from all that.
My miscarriage was almost 5 months ago. We’ve had time to heal, to level out, to normalize, but I still remember what that felt like. I remember the darkness. The devastation. The pain. And I know that we are opening ourselves up to those possibilities again.
Since then, I’ve dealt with 2 cycles of trying and not succeeding – both were BFN. And honestly, I did OK. I was a little deflated in the moment but not crushed and despondent like I’ve felt in the past. As disappointed as I was, a BFP would have brought its own scary set of emotions.
But – it’s time. Time for us to get back in the ring. I know God is in control and has a plan for us, and I believe it’s time for us to move forward. I definitely don’t feel the anxious, controlling worry like I did the last times. I feel pretty grounded/borderline-emotionless – at least today. Good or bad, I’m not sure. It just is what it is. But I think it’s a good thing – at least compared to my typical alternative.
I just don’t want this desire to own me.
So, with prayers, with hope, with faith, with courage, with perseverance, with peace and my wits about me ….we are back in the ring: me vs. infertility, match 2.
[Photo Credit: Katelyn Kenderdine]