And yes, I was still climbing out from underneath a mound of 11th grade thesis papers.
But there was another reason I didn’t really blog last week:
For those of you who aren’t members of the club (and count your blessings if you aren’t), NIAW is National Infertility Awareness Week.
Let me put out a disclaimer here. First, I am grateful for the heart behind that week. I am grateful for their slogan ‘Resolve to Know More.’ I am grateful for all they did to raise awareness in the rest of the world that is out of the loop on this issue.
But honestly? I didn’t want to know more. I know all too well. I know too much.
I spend a great deal of energy trying to forget that infertility is a reality in my life. I didn’t want to be reminded of it every where I turned.
I did read some great articles by some of my blog friends. I was even invited to write articles for WhattoExpect.com and FertilityAuthority.com. But after a day or two, it was all just too much for me.
I found that it wasn’t helping me to be reading about infertility everywhere I looked. Actually, it was depressing me.
And it was hard for me to even read some of the regular blogs I follow. I didn’t want to read about successful IVFs or IUIs. Or pregnancy updates. Or surprise BFPs. Or crushing BFNs. Or miscarriages. Or more delays and complications.
I didn’t want to read about anybody’s good news. I didn’t want to read about anybody’s bad news. I didn’t want to read about the actual odds of conceiving when you are my age and in my situation. I didn’t want to ‘know more.’
It wasn’t helping.
All it was making me do was focus on looking at things with my natural eyes, not my spiritual eyes. All I could see was pregnancies happening for everyone else and not me. All I could see was problems others were having, so why should I believe it would happen for me, then?
In short, all I could see was infertility. And what I couldn’t see was God.
I couldn’t see that there is always hope with God. I couldn’t see that nothing is impossible with Him. I couldn’t see that He has a perfect time for our family to come into existence.
I couldn’t see any of that.
So I took a step back last week. And I’ll be honest – I didn’t feel a ton better. It was still hard. Downton Abbey helped, but my heart was still heavy. Now, I know this is part of the ups and downs of infertility, and I guess NIAW coincided with a ‘down’ moment. Or maybe caused it. Who knows.
Anyway, my point is that we all have our ways of coping with infertility. Some people feel better talking about it all the time; I feel better not talking about it all the time.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the sisterhood and support and conversations and comradeship I’ve found among other women struggling with this. It’s been an anchor to me in many dark moments. It’s just that, last week, it was just a little too much. I wasn’t dealing so well, and I just wanted to forget all of this.
And I really think we all just need to do whatever it is that helps. Sometimes talking about it or reading about it or commenting on it helps. Sometimes it doesn’t. And it’s all fine.
Whatever brings hope, courage, peace, strength just to get through another day – or minute- do that.
[Photo Credit: C. Jill Reed]