Goodbye 2015, Thanks for Everything

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I know I’m behind here (story of my life lately) for the looking-back-looking-ahead-tributes, but I just can’t move on to 2016 without giving a salute to 2015.

My typical reflections of past years usually end with a conclusion that the year was a mixed bag, full of ups and downs, lessons learned, la, la, la. On some level, that is true of 2015, too.

But, 2015 was a great year.

Sigh.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that, but for 2015, it’s the  truth.

If you’ve been reading any time at all or if you know me in real life, the reason is obvious. The birth of my twin boys. After starting 2015 with so much fear and excitement and nervous energy and questions as to how this pregnancy would turn out, getting to the end of the year and seeing the culmination of years of praying and crying and hoping in the faces of my boys has such a rewarding and gratifying and incredulous experience.

I look at their gummy grins when I get them out of their cribs in the morning, hear their belly laughs when they are running wild on their door swings, feel their little fingers rubbing my hand as they are falling asleep and I still think, ‘Is this real? Do I really have not one, but two beautiful babies? Did this year really happen?’

How I got so lucky to be their mom, to be the recipient of their wet kisses and warm snuggles, to be the one to witness them discovering the world and something new every  day, I’ll never know. I’ll never deserve. But these boys have filled my year, filled my world, with so much joy and love – and yes, so much happiness.

It was a long, painful, road to get here, but I am oh, so thankful. It has had its hard, tiring moments, full of adjusting and learning curves, but it has been everything I dreamed it would be.

If I could encapsulate 2015 in a phrase (or Bible verse), it’s this:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. (Proverbs 13:12).

For many years, I felt like my life was always the ‘hope deferred’ part. Waiting was painful. Disappointment was painful. Even hoping was painful. It really felt like the desire would never come. But when it did?

Oh, man. It takes my breath away.

And really, it’s not 2015 I’m saluting. We all know this. It’s God. I’m still undone at His generosity and kindness to me in the gift of my boys. Still in awe and still almost daily brought to tears by it. Truly don’t get it. Don’t understand it.  But I’m learning more about His heart as my heart explodes with the love that is in it for my boys.

This will always be a magnificent, milestone, life-changing year in my life. I know this doesn’t happen every year, but I have to give a nod that 2015 was one for the books.

I’m usually the resolution-goal-get-er-done girl, but I’m not really doing any of that this year (partly because I can’t really even think past the bottles, feedings, naps, cartoons of any given day). I know I have things to work on and areas to grow, but this past year has been good for me.

Learning to let go.

So much I can’t control.

Letting God speak to me and lead in the moment.

Relying on God for everything.

I’m having to learn this. No choice. I’m so inadequate and unprepared for this task of being a mom.  It’s scary that these little lives are dependent on me for their well-being.

So I guess my “big” goal, then, for 2016 is just to be better at trusting God more. Even my little goals are somehow tied to that, too. This is all a little uncomfortable for me, but I’m finding it strangely freeing at the same time.

To 2015, I say goodbye and thank you for the best year of my life so far. It’s changed everything.

To 2016 – you have some pretty big shoes to fill.