When God’s Plan is Not Go on a Mission’s Trip
As far as Saturday mornings go, this one is just about perfect.
My husband peacefully sleeping in our bed, after being away for a week of training for his job; 60 degrees by 10am, with sunlight streaming in through my front window; a quiet house, a cup of coffee, and me on the couch with the newspaper and my iPad.
But even with all of this, my heart is somewhere else.
Oaxaca, Mexico.
I have never been to Oaxaca, but I feel like should be on my way there now.
Our missions team from school left at an ungodly hour this morning for their missions trip. This is a group I’ve traveled with many times (the group, I mean; the students vary as seniors graduate and new ones are added). It was a natural fit for me, as I spent most of my 20s and half of my 30s on foreign missions trips.
This trip was always a highlight for me, and I never felt like I was making a sacrifice, even though I had to give up my Spring Break to go. While exhausting on every level, those trips energized me rather than sucked me dry. Watching our kids fall in love with God, missions, and serving – and being able to serve along side them – is a high for me quite unlike anything else.
My attendance on this trip has been spotty over the last few years. I went faithfully for the first few years, from 2007 – 2009.
I missed my first trip in 2010 because it coincided with my wedding (Hey, it happens).
I went the next year in 2011.
I missed 2012 because it was an awful, stressful year, and I had nothing to give; I legitimately needed the break.
I missed 2013 because I was recovering from miscarriage #1.
And I am presently missing (in every sense of the word) 2014 because of how unpredictable infertility treatment makes your life. There was no way I could have committed that far in advance – especially since I was pregnant when the school year started.
Turns out, had I had a magic ball and could have seen the future, during the week of this trip – no, I would not be pregnant, and no, I would not be ovulating. The window was quite perfect, actually.
But, that information came too late (on Sunday).
So here I am, with my perfect Saturday morning to myself – but wishing it wasn’t to myself. Wishing I was on a plane somewhere over Texas, Mexico-bound.
Infertility puts such a big question mark over so many areas of your life and future. It really is impossible to make any kind of concrete plans more than a few weeks out. Will this be the month that we get our BFP and everything changes? Will I be pregnant? Will I be ovulating? Will I be miscarrying again?
There was just no way I could have said yes to this trip when they needed my yes. It was with choked-back tears yesterday that I hugged them good-bye as some told me, ‘I wish you were coming.’
(Yeah. Me, too.)
In particular, I wonder about my future and missions. In addition to the numerous trips I’ve gone on solo (at least 12 foreign and a handful of state-side – I lost count), my husband and I have been to Nigeria twice together.
I wonder when we will go again. If we will go again. When might that be, if we have a baby? And how can you plan as far out as at you need to if you never know if you will be pregnant?
Will I ever go on another trip with my school kids? Having a baby will change all that, too.
I’m incredibly content with my life right now. A job I love, a husband I love, a church I love, friends I love, all my loved ones healthy. I have a lot to be grateful for.
But a small corner of my heart hears the call from distant, unknown places – and wonders if I’ll ever be able to answer it.
Today, I hear it from Mexico. With every potential opportunity, the calls echo from different dots on the map. But I hear them. And it is hard not being able to answer.
It is bittersweet for me to realize that I am in a different place in my life for the moment – a good place that God ordained for me – but there is a another part of me that is tugged in another direction.
While I’m here in NY, on my couch with my peaceful Saturday morning, my thoughts and prayers drift to all those places I can’t physically be.
Even still, I sit here hoping that, one day, the two will meet up again.
[Your Turn: Anyone else out there have a divided heart?]
[Photo Credit: Wikimedia]
awe I used to not make plans in advance too many times and my life was miserable! :/ I had to quit doing that because the time would come and I would be bummed out that I wasn’t included…kinda like you. I now just pray James 1:5 whenever something comes up for the future and I’m not sure what I should do…should I plan…not plan…? It’s hard but I’m starting to ask God and trust in faith He will quicken something in my spirit to give me the answer as to what I should do. I figured if I had to cancel, then I’m okay with that too 🙂
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5
Thanks for the encouragement, Elisha. God usually lets me know when I’m to do something, especially if I’m bent on going the wrong way. I believe He works a lot through open and closed doors. He really didn’t press on me to make this trip to Mexico, and all things considered, I believe bowing out was the right thing. Just a bummer.
But I just need to trust His timing – with everything. I don’t put too much on hold b/c of IF, but this was a pretty big commitment.
Thanks, friend!
(I can’t remember if I commented on your blog, but I love the post you wrote about your little girl working her way into your heart. So precious!!!! xo)
Ah, Katie – I hear you – I often think about how traveling will be on hold for a while now and I get so jealous when my husband goes off without me because I used to tag along on ALL his business trips. However, I think about the time when we will all travel as a family and I will get to pass some of my love for the world around me onto my kids. This is just a temporary chapter of uncertainty, a commitment to something else you are trying to achieve — just look forward to the day you will travel as a family on missions. There is always a need at home too and I’m sure you can fulfill those desire in your community.
I love this perspective! I definitely get nostalgic for those other times in my life – although, at the time, I couldn’t wait to be in this chapter of my life. I guess life is always like that – good and bad about every season. We always want (more) what we don’t have.
But you are right – I often think about my husband and me taking our kiddo overseas with us. Ugh, can’t wait. I even have a secret hope of raising our kids out there. Only God knows.
For sure, there are lots of needs here, and I definitely need to keep my eyes open for that! Thanks for the encouragement, hon! Hope you are feeling great! 🙂
Oh girl – that is so hard! It’s so hard to find the balance. I know it’s hard not being there, but trusting God can use you right where yo are this weekend/week to impact those around you!
Thanks for the encouragement, Caroline. It means so much that you would reach out, especially with all you are personally going through. I know that God knows best all around. Thanks for encouraging me to keep my eyes open to what He has for me here 🙂
We don’t have crystal balls, so we do the best we can with the information we have and any intuition / insight we might get from God, but that’s about it. Obviously you are disappointed that you aren’t there, but you did the best you could at the time. There have been countless times where I cursed myself for “failing” in moments where I should have “known better”. Huh? I was only doing what I thought was best at that time. And that’s all we can do, Katie. I am sure they understand, and I am sure they know you would have loved to be there. But as someone mentioned, God might be planning on using you back at home. You might be making someone’s day without you even knowing it. Or saying something they need to hear. I truly believe He works through others…and this might just be an example. may not take the sting out of not being in Mexico, but then again…what do I know? ha ha.
Be well, my friend.
Paul
Thanks so much for your insight, Paul. You always have such a grounded and bottom-line approach, which I love.
You’re right – I definitely did the best I knew how to. And ultimately, I have faith in God’s providence in things like this, even though I feel the initial disappointment.
Hope I fulfilled my purpose while I’m here…I’m always very cognizant of that, especially since I know He wants me here and not overseas for the moment..
Thanks for your encouragement, Paul. Always a boost.
This was a lovely post.
Really. lovely.
Thanks, Dani! I am always pulled all over the globe. But at least (and probably more importantly), my prayers can get there!