90 Days, Post-Miscarriage
Three months ago, I was sitting exactly where I am sitting today: on the couch in my living room in the middle of the afternoon on a Wednesday. If the irony wasn’t so morbid, I might find the coincidence interesting.
Today, I’m here because we got another snow day from school.
Then? I had just taken Misoprostol the night before, bled my guts out, and was waiting to see if my miscarriage was ‘finalized.’
It wasn’t. I had a D&C two days later.
But that was three months ago. A lot can happen in 90 days.
I think back to those weeks surrounding my miscarriage – before and after – and they are almost too painful to remember. I don’t want to relive them, not even in my memories. But today, I was flipping through my journal, and I came across some entries from that time. It was dark. Hollow. I was disoriented. Completely lost in a fog.
That was three months ago. Ninety days. And today, I am grateful. I can’t say that I am grateful for my miscarriage; maybe some girls stronger than I am can say that, but I’m not there yet.
But I am grateful. First, I am grateful that, slowly, the sun started coming up on my life again.
I am grateful that my body still remembered how to laughter, and my mouth hadn’t forgotten how to smile.
I am grateful that every joy tasted a little sweeter in contrast to the awful sadness I was swallowed up in.
I am grateful for the last memories I had with my parents and sisters in my old house before they moved, even – or especially – in the middle of this train wreck.
I am grateful for the healthy lifestyle changes that this miscarriage has prompted me to make.
I am grateful for the flowers, texts, CDs, books that friends gave me to show me I wasn’t in this alone.
I am grateful that all of my tests showed nothing seriously wrong and something a only little bit wrong that is easy to address.
I am grateful that sharing of my story has helped other women reach out and share theirs.
I am grateful that I’m starting to hear God’s voice again, and it is like hearing the birds again for the first time after a long, cold winter.
I am grateful to be surrounded by an abundance of caring, compassionate friends who threw me on their backs and carried me through this dark valley.
I am grateful for a job I love, with people I love, that provided a vital distraction to get me through those long days.
I am grateful I turned 40, even though it came without a baby; some people don’t even get that.
I am grateful for a husband whose faith and serenity during this trial kept us anchored.
I am grateful for doctors and medicine and modern technology that still make motherhood a possibility for me.
I am grateful for God, who, when doctors and medicine and modern technology fail, He STILL can make motherhood a possibility for me.
I am grateful that this journey isn’t over; we haven’t come to the end of the road yet.
I am grateful there is still hope.
Three months ago, I really wasn’t aware or grateful for any of these things.
But a lot can happen in 90 days.
Miscarriage changes you. It does in all the expected ways: that pregnancy will never be ‘normal’ for you, that you have a different set of milestones and ‘anniversaries’ that other women don’t have, that fear is a constant companion in any detail surrounding TTC – doctor’s appointments, pregnancy tests, blood tests, sonograms, symptoms.
But, it’s possible for miscarriage to change you for the better. It’s not automatic, but it’s possible. And that’s been the secondary battle I’ve been fighting since my miscarriage – not just to survive this, but to become a better person through it. To defeat it. To not let it ruin me. To redeem it.
A lot can happen in 90 days – and timing is everything. In my devotional today – and recently, the idea of timing kept coming up. An appointed time. God’s timing. A time for everything.
I don’t know the reason why, but three months ago just wasn’t our time. For reasons I have no way of comprehending, it just wasn’t the right time. The appointed time. I genuinely believe there are reasons why God allowed us to walk through what we did. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be a right time for our family to begin. And only God knows when that right time is.
I truly believe that someday, when it is right, our appointed time will come. There is a date circled on God’s calendar with our baby’s name on it. That date just wasn’t three months ago.
But a lot can happen in three months – 90 days. A lot can happen in one month. One week. One day. One minute.
“There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven” – Ecclesiastes 3:1
A time for everything. EVERYTHING. We don’t know what all of those ‘things that are appointed for us’ are; we don’t know when all of those appointed times are. But what I have learned in three months is this:
My times are in Your hand. – Psalm 31:15
And timing is everything.
[Photo Credit: Pinterest via Mindi Brown]
so beautiful girlie! You are such an inspiration. God is faithful and not only heals our bodies but heals our hearts too. You have a wonderful testimony of how He is doing that! love it!
waitingforbabybird.com
It’s a little mind-numbing to look at…I truly feel like He has worked and changed my heart. Not that I ‘did’ anything – He just did. He really planted the seed of Hope in my heart, and I feel like it is a miracle of sorts to watch it grow. All Him. xo
It’s crazy how it grows!! I remember when I first chose to “hope”, I didn’t have to do anything after that but stay in His Word. His Word is seed, and just like every seed, it has everything inside of it to grow. It just needs to be planted. Once planted, it just starts growing. My only job is “weed eat” at this point…ya know, weed up all those negative thoughts and doubts I had planted and the devil plants. I am so thankful to have “met” you! Maybe one day, I can actually “meet” you! baha! Maybe at your baby shower…? Oh I would totally come to that!!!!
You would totally be invited! Unless I meet you at yours first!!!
I’m happy that you are coming out well on the other side of this. I really admire your positive attitude, your willingness to learn and grow and you desire to help others find their way. Your time will come Kate and I’m so excited for that day when those dreams come true for you!! Love and hugs to you!
Thanks, Hon! It feels good to feel a bit level and normal again – and even more at peace than I was before all of this mess. Truly a miracle happening in my heart. Thank you! So happy for you, too, my friend. Thinking of you always, and praying!
Beautifully said. Loss is devastating, but finding the strength to push forward is powerful. I am grateful for your willingness to share, your openness and honesty, and your faith. Praying for your special little one soon.
Thank you so much. It is such an un-anticipated journey. Nothing can really prepare you for that. But I am grateful God is walking me through to the other side! Glad to be sharing your journey as well! 🙂
Very very true. I am actually in the middle of a conversation with a friend about just that, God’s timing especially when it has to do with starting a family. It is wonderful to hear that you have this positivity in your life, this gratefulness. Praying that that feeling continues for you. 🙂
Thanks so much! And I pray that it continues to build in you, too. God’s timing can feel so frustrating, and but for me, when it finally began to sink it, it actually was very freeing. Not a lot left to worry about when you realize it’s just not time yet. Thank you so much for reading! 🙂
There is so much power when we show praise and gratefulness to God!! So sweet to see you turn what the enemy meant for evil into something positive!! Enjoy your snow day!
Thanks, girl! You ladies (you, Elisha and all the rest) have been such an inspiration of trusting God in this and letting go. I truly has helped to read your stories! Thank you!
Wonderful post. From a wonderful woman X
You are sweet, Rose! So happy to see what these 90 days have brought you! 🙂
It seems like there is a lot to be grateful for! Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but Christ can.
Perfectly said. Time helps, but time by itself doesn’t do it. But it is GOD who makes everything beautiful in its time! Thank you for the encouragement!
This is SUCH a beautiful post. You are an incredible person and your gratitude just speaks so highly of your character and your faith. You are such an incredible light and proof that dark times doesn’t have to put out your sparkle. If I could come find you and give you a hug, I would. Truly, your story makes a difference in our lives and your faith is inspiring. Xoxox!
You are so sweet, Chelsea. I could written the same about you, only more true. So many of your girls and your faith and your tenacious attitude have truly been an inspiration to me. I am so sincere when I say that. I am grateful for each and every one of amazing ladies.! Hugs to you, friend! xo
Loved reading this-beautiful. It’s been almost 5 months since my D&C and I still struggle sometimes. Hope is what keeps me going!
It’s a huge struggle, Kim. Some days are easier than others, but I truly believe it gets better in time and with God. It can be overwhelmingly sad, but sometimes we have to keep looking at everything that is still good and right in our lives. Hugs, Kim. Thinking of you and hoping it gets easier every day!
I’m grateful for you. So much CAN happen in 90 days. A heart CAN change, but only when you’re willing. You, friend, are amazing. I’m sending prayers. ❤️
It’s so great to have possibilities still open, you know? Anything really can happen. And I am grateful that hearts can change, too. So grateful. It was a such a dark place, and I’m grateful slowly moving to the other side. Definitely strengthens us for the next battle, if we let it. Thanks so much for your support, friend. So much. xo
I love this post; your words have such an impact on me, you truly shine! I am thankful for you!
I could say the same to you, Amy! You are just as courageous and inspiring!!! xo
This is beautiful. I’m so glad things are looking up for you, and you keep looking up to God. Bless you. I’m keeping you in prayer!
Thanks so much, Lindsey. That means so much. I am praying your new days of motherhood are something really spectacular, special and life-changing! He’s beautiful! xo
So great to see that the sun is starting to shine for you again. I can’t imagine what it would be like to want a baby so bad and then miscarry. I’m sorry you had to go through that Katie and I pray that God, in His good and perfect timing, will unravel and reveal what He’s written in your life story book. It is awesome how you have been able to see with eyes of hope and have been healing by His gentle touch. And often times it’s the difficult things we go through in life that shape us as a person and strengthen us. We often don’t know why we’re going through a specific battle until we’ve come through.
Many blessings Katie and thanks for the lightness and gratefulness of your post.
Blessings =)
So true, Staci. Thanks for sharing that encouraging word. It has been dark and tough, but every time the sun comes up again, it gives hope that it will keep coming up, no matter how dark it gets first. It definitely is a process of trusting and letting go. I’ve had to do this at other times, with other things, but God knows how deeply our mistrust and control goes. Slowly, I’m getting this! lol Thank you so much for being part of my journey and story and for your prayers!
This post is so beautifully put and made my heart smile. You have been in my prayers and I can’t wait to watch your miracle unfold. I know it will. Keep strong, Katie. X
Thank you so much, Jessica. That means so, so much to me. I trust God will unfold His plan in His time. I’m finding peace with that! Thank you, friend!
So beautiful! Thanks for sharing your heart.
Thank you so much, friend! I am grateful to have so many friends along in this and to follow their stories, too! xo
Thank you for this post, I needed it very much today 🙂
Stopping by from SITS girls #lovetribes x
Thank you!
Found you in the SITS comment thread and I knew I needed to click on your link. Someone very dear to me, my sister, has had several miscarriages over the last few years. It has been a very hard time for her, her husband, and even for me. It’s so hard to see someone you love in so much pain.
But I know that even during this painful time God is working in her life just as he was working in yours. Thank you for sharing your story.
My sister blog with me and another friend, and lately she has felt that God has been prompting her to share her story. I pray it is a blessing to others as your story is.
Thanks so much for coming by and sharing your sister’s story, Lucy. Miscarriage is such a hard, hard thing to go through. My heart goes out to your sister. I’ve had too, but it definitely does not get easier with every additional occurrence. I think it gets harder, honestly.
I am so glad your sister is considering ‘coming out’ with her story. There has been so much support – and a lot of healing – in sharing my story. So many women have gone through this, but NOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT!!! Understandably, of course, it’s private and painful – but when it happens to you, you feel like you have nowhere to go, and it is hard to find people who have experienced it (b/c no one talks about it!)
It doesn’t make the pain go away, but there is a sense of meaning and purpose knowing that God can redeem it and use it for good.
She’ll be in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you so much for coming by, Lucy! Looking forward to following you girls! 🙂