Faith Rising
It took all of my courage to do what I did on Sunday.
Church this Sunday was our Thanksgiving Service – where we (the congregation) bring the message – our testimonies of thankfulness to God.
I really wanted to be able to say something. I mean, I know I have a lot to be grateful for. But in light of my recent circumstances, anything I could say would sound trite and contrived.
If you have been reading, you know what a dark place I have been in. So scary to feel like you have fallen from grace, even if it is not the truth. I wasn’t really in a ‘testimony’ place.
I had prayed all last week, ‘Lord, if you really want me to share, speak to me. Say something, do something that would make this testimony authentic.’
All the way up to Saturday, I still hadn’t gotten anything to share. In fact, it felt pretty dark inside my heart. I talked with a friend of mine when we were on the train home from the city, and she said, ‘It’s okay, Katie. It’s still fresh. I would be surprised if you did share something.’
So, our service on Sunday started. My friend is furiously writing on a notepad all that she was going to share. My mind still felt blank. How could I say I was grateful? For what ? A second miscarriage? For a horrible experience with misoprostol that didn’t work and a D&C? For another baby I would never raise?
Still, there was a tug on my heart to share. That somehow, there might be healing, there might be peace, there might be a battle won – if I could only find gratitude in my heart. If only to stand against bitterness and anger that is always threatening to barge in, publicly voicing my gratitude to God might be the way to shut the door on it.
So, you know the mental games you play: ‘If my husband shares, then I’ll share.’ (He does. Opportunity 1 passes). ‘If the pastor comes over this way, then I’ll share.’ ( He does. Opportunity 2 passes). ‘I’ll wait until the last round of testimonies, then I’ll share.’ (Came and went. Opportunity 3….).
It was looking like I missed my chance. I still didn’t even know what I would say. The pastor shared his own testimony, and then it seemed like he was wrapping up. And then he said, ‘Is there anyone else who wanted to share?’
I could feel my heart beating in my stomach, and before I could think, up went my hand. It sounded something like this:
“So many of the beautiful testimonies today have been about how God has seen you through the storm. Well, I am still in the middle of a storm, but I felt like God wanted me to still give thanks.
“About this time last year, after a year and a half of trying, my husband and I were pregnant with our first. And we had a miscarriage. This year, about two months ago, I found out that I was pregnant with our second. And a few weeks ago, I had a second miscarriage.’ (There were a few pauses to get my emotions under control and find my voice. So awful, embarrassing and humbling in that moment. I hate showing emotion like that publicly. Ugh.)
“With my first miscarriage, I felt a lot of peace, and there were so many blessings along the way. I knew God was carrying me through. This time has been much darker for me. This has been much harder for many reasons. And to be honest, I have had a very difficult time feeling God’s presence. He has felt far, and I have struggled with finding something to be thankful for.
“Still, I know there are always things to be thankful for – so, I came up with a few.
“First, I am thankful that my babies are in heaven. I am thankful that we will see them someday. I am sad that I will never know them here on earth, but I am grateful that our family is with God right now, alive and well.
“Second, I am thankful for all the encouragement and love I have been shown. I am thankful for friends who have reached out with so much love and encouragement [including all of you out here in the blogosphere]. I am grateful for so many friends and people in church who would hug me with tears in their eyes or sit next to me and cry with me and not say anything. You all were God’s hand and feet and heart to me, especially in a time I couldn’t feel Him personally. I knew He was there because of you and your love for me. You were His presence to me – His presence through you. This church definitely has lived out, ‘Weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice.’
“I am grateful for my husband who has been my rock…who has prayed with me and spoke truth to me and had faith, especially when I didn’t.
“Third, I am grateful that I know that God will see us through. I am not on the other side of this yet, but I know that I will get there. I know that God has plans for us and for our family. I am grateful that my history with God tells me that He will get me through. And I am grateful for Him for doing this, and that next Thanksgiving, I will have a testimony of how God saw us through.”
That was about all I could get out. And after I sat down, I finally let all the tears I had held back silently fall.
Did I miraculously feel better after doing that? No, not really. But I believe that there was something that happened in the unseen world which was a step in my healing. It certainly was a sacrifice of thanksgiving I offered – nothing easy about it – but I believe it honored God, and He received it.
I still feel and see the fog around me, but it is not as thick. Not as heavy. Little by little, in ever so slight and barely perceptible ways, faith is rising.
[Photo Credit: Jerry Mercier]
I admire your courage and I also believe you gave the devil a few punches by standing up and sharing your testimony. He wanted you to stay seated, stay quiet, and not give God praise, but the one thing I have learned in my walk with God is that praise, thankfulness and worship all open the door to receiving more of His blessings and the devil knows this. I’m so proud of you! It took a lot of guts to do what you did. hugs to you!
Thanks, Elisha for your support and encouragement. I kept thinking of the verse, ‘We overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony.’ I def. fought the urge to stay quiet, but I’ve been there before, and the regret is awful. Just wishing you had more courage. I def. could be – and need to be better at worship and praise through this, but baby steps. I know He is patient. Thanks for your encouragement!
Love how when faith rises up in one, it can inspires others all around. Thanks for sharing Kate…both in the Thanksgiving service, and today
Thanks so much! I am really feeling that. So much in me wants to keep silent and keep it private, but I’ve only ever experienced good things and good responses when I’ve opened up. It is truly amazing and humbling when God uses my story – b/c it really feels so personal that it is insignificant to others. But if He can use it, it is His. Thank you, friend. Your pictures and posts are always so inspiring and soul-lifting.
Proud of you. It takes so much strength to find the good when the bad is so bad. I’m not a hugging person but I would give you a huge hug and cry with you if I had been at your church. Thinking of you.
Thanks, Alexis. I appreciate your ‘virtual’ hugs. In my last miscarriage, I felt very compelled to find the good. This one has been much harder – but I know it is always a good result when we try to find a silver lining (as you know!). My church is very little, and these women (many of whom I don’t know too well – we are pretty new there) were just so compassionate and caring. Meant to much . Thanks for your kind thoughts, friend.
Wow. I actually got chills reading this. What an amazing testimony to give. You gave the truth and that is a wonderful thing. It can definitely be dark but it is great that you know He will pull you through. I’m praying for you.
Thank you, Shelby. Your prayers mean so much. Knowing I will get through is really the only thing that is getting me through! That I know, even when I don’t feel it. As bad as I feel, I am certain it is not forever. And that helps. Thank you for your support, friend.
I so admire you for your genuine honesty. It takes so much courage to be open about such personal, heart breaking trials especially with a group of people who may not understand.Thank you so much for sharing not just with your church, but with me too. I am always encouraged and inspired by you. I know God is going to use you and your story for something very special because God never wastes our pain. Praying for you friend!
Thank you, Amy. That means so much. It definitely was hard. It is a small church – we are somewhat new – and only a handful of people knew what I had been going through. I have avoided going public b/c I didn’t want a lot of questions. But those who knew were really so sensitive and amazing…loving and supportive without all the questions. Now that I am over the ‘hump’, it was a little easier to share. Still hard to be vulnerable and open, but I am hoping it will work to be a plus – either to strengthen relationships, make me more ‘real’ to our church members, to help someone else. Who knows. If He can use it, well – then, it does help feel like the pain is redeemable. And that is good. Thanks for your support, friend. It means so, so much!
Wow, Katie….breakthrough! You did it! It was a ‘sacrifice of praise’ which you shared with your church Sunday and in your blog last night. I know this touched Father’s heart and was another step in your healing journey…and a ‘taking your life back’ so to speak from what the kingdom of darkness has been trying to do in your soul. Hallelujah! I’m still trekking with you in prayer…Blessings and hugs! …and thanks for sharing this written testimony…all by faith…
Thanks so much for being with me on this journey, Cheryl. Your faithfulness to pray and stand with me has been amazing. Truly sincere and genuine – and I have really felt God’s love through it – exactly what I needed at this time. Thanks for being a vessel. Means so, so much. xo!
All I can think through all the emotions of reading this is “wow”. You are amazing… I know, I sound all gushy, sorry. I can imagine the exact feeling as you sat and waited while opportunities came and went – the pounding of your heart against your ribs. The fact that you got up and shared was definitely a sacrifice. It reminded me of the story of Abraham. It also reminded me of something said at the women’s conference… About how God does suddenly and slowly. When He does suddenly, we are blessed but when He does slowly, He uses the opportunity to bless others through us. You are a slowly – and a magnificent blessing. I know that words can’t heal your hurt. I know the hug I’d love to give you wouldn’t mend your broken heart. But hopefully the reminder that God IS working through you will help build you up, some. As your faith rises, I hope it takes your spirit with it!! ❤️❤️
Thank you so, so much. Your words are so encouraging and life- giving. And thank you for sharing about the ‘slowly.’ Ugh…we all would want the suddenly and never the slowly, right! But honestly, it does help if we can see some good coming out of it. It is a healing balm to see something positive. I truly pray that if sharing my story helps – and giving God praise as well – then it does help my soul heal. Thank you for your encouragement. You have a gift in that area, and I am grateful to be the recipient. Your sincerity is truly touching, friend. Big hugs to you!
Seeing something positive IS a healing balm… I pray the same prayer about sharing a story, but I’m not quite as eloquent as you! 😉 I will ALWAYS be here to give encouragement! I may trip over my words but I’ll always blurt them – sometimes even when unwanted! LOL! Prayers and love sent your way!! <3
You are wonderfully eloquent – sincere, genuine, caring…that is EVERYTHING! Thank you so much for being an encouragement to me! xo
You’re welcome! And thank YOU for always being so kind!! <3
Even though you might not feel brave, you were brave to do what you did and you are brave for holding on to what you know but do not feel, yet. Your life touches more people than you know. And by sharing, you are giving others hope. Praying for you and your husband.
Thank you, Adeline. Your prayers and encouragement mean so much. It truly has been a battle to push past my feelings. They feel so ‘real’, you know? I am grateful to have a history with God that is persistently reminding me of what is genuinely real. And I am grateful to have His Word that counteracts every one of those feelings. And I know someday the feelings will come back, too. I definitely take those days for granted. Thanks so much for your prayers, friend. They mean so much. I still think of what you said – and that was before this miscarriage – treasures in heaven, our losses. A wonderful ‘bonus’ joy awaits us. Thank you again.
Your feelings are real. You are grieving and it is a process. Don’t worry about rushing through it or having to be strong. You will get through it. You will have a faith stronger than before. But don’t be so hard on yourself now. All you need to do is hold God’s hand and walk with Him one day at a time. And somedays it may mean you holding hard onto His leg and not wanting to let go to walk and some other days, you may want to take bigger steps. All that matters is that you keep holding onto His hand. A big hug to you friend.
Thanks always for your encouragement. I believe He iss holding me up, even when I can see Him or feel Him. I know this b/c I know I wouldn’t even be coping or getting through if He weren’t. Thanks for this precious reminder. So very meaningful to me!
So cool you shared! I have no doubts that you touched many because of your testimony!
Thanks for your encouragement! It was definitely tough, but if God used it, then it makes me feel a little better, for sure!
I just wanted to leave a comment on your blog, too. It took such strength and courage for you to get up and share. I really don’t think I would have been able to do that. And I love how you are looking forward to sharing next Thanksgiving about how God brought you through. That’s faith!
Thanks, Lisa! Trust me, if it wasn’t for the prompting of the Holy Spirit, there is no way I could have shared. I know that awful feeling afterwards of not listening to The Lord. That is worse than fear of sharing. Thanks for coming by. Looking forward to following your journey!