Stuck
My body is slowly getting better.
My heart – while not necessarily better – it is acclimating to life again and is finding ways to smile.
My spirit? I feel like I am stuck.
This might be the hardest and most painful for me to deal with out of all three. Because I need God as my anchor. Because I know that without Him, I would just collapse into a heap of hopelessness. So, how can I feel whole and at peace when my spirit feels fractured and splintered?
How do you go forward when your spirit is stuck? My heart and body are slowing going forward, but I can’t leave my spirit behind.
So I am stuck.
The question that keeps ringing in my head is, ‘God, why didn’t you answer our prayer?’
Part of me wants to be angry at God. And part of me is scared He is angry at me.
Even though it is the most futile of ways to expend my energy, I am trying to make sense of this – as if somehow, finding some reason, making some sense, will make it better. It doesn’t bring my baby back, but gaining some perspective would actually bring me some peace.
I pray about this, asking God to give me some kind of answer – not a ‘reason’ why this happened, per se – but something that will bring my heart peace. I don’t know what ‘that’ is. But He knows.
And He is not saying much.
Yes, He did give me my rainbow. That is something. It’s huge, actually.
I believe all of the love and support of so many people are ways He shows me He cares.
One of my students wrote a beautiful prayer for me in her journal, without knowing what happened. She could just ‘sense’ something wasn’t right with me. Yes, I believe God was behind that.
I ran into my former pastor’s wife last week – and she prayed with me. She encouraged me to believe that I was worthy of this (a successful pregnancy). To not believe the devil’s lie.
And maybe that is it. A lie I am believing.
Well, I don’t really have it all sorted out – and sometimes it is so messy inside my heart and head that I can’t readily separate my feelings from what is true.
But here is my fear: What if this is our fault? What if this is God’s discipline? What if there is some sin in our heart or lives that caused God to allow this to happen? Sometimes (not all the time), suffering is the result of sin. What if it is this time?
And I feel like that unanswered question is causing much of the angst within my soul.
I don’t know that it is the case – I am not saying that it is the case…but my mind feels tortured in wondering, ‘But what if?’
I have asked God to search my heart – to see if there is anything displeasing to Him. Certainly I am not perfect, but what would qualify as being bad enough to exact that kind of response from God? Wanting this baby too much? Making an idol of it? (I genuinely don’t feel like I crossed that line. I don’t know. Maybe I did). Too many Seinfeld reruns? What?
Nothing hidden and secret jumps out when I pray…
So is this all in my head? A lie I am believing?
In my mind, I can rationalize that God lovingly disciplines us – He doesn’t punish us; I can say that He is gracious and gives us many, many warnings before He disciplines us; I can say that God is good and just – and the ‘punishment fits the crime.’
When I look at it that way, I think, ‘No, I don’t think that is the reason.’
But I guess I wish God would tell me that Himself.
I don’t really need to know the specific reason why we lost our baby…but, I guess need to be reassured that whatever the reason was – it was rooted in absolute love, that in His perfect knowledge and understanding, it was the most loving decision He could have made concerning us.
But I’ll be honest -while I ‘know’ this, my heart isn’t convinced of that yet.
Maybe because it still feels so bad. Maybe because of my own neurotic worries and fears. Maybe because, sometimes, that just seems so impossible.
The heaviness in my heart because of this rift between me and God makes it hard to find joy in anything else. Yes, there is grieving over my loss, but this is a different kind of sadness. Like I’ve lost my best friend. Like I’ve fallen from grace.
And this second grief compounds the first.
Maybe this is just in my head. Even in the middle of some irrational thoughts, I believe there is more to this than I am even capable of knowing. I truly believe there is good behind all of this (somewhere, but yes, I believe it is there). At least I want to believe this.
I know there could be 1,000 reasons why God allowed this – none of them necessarily having anything to do with some sin.
My prayer is that His truth would scream louder – and drown out the crazy thoughts that might be nothing more than insidious lies.
I saw this quote the other day on good ole’ Facebook:
Lord, I don’t need to know 10,000. I don’t even need to know 3. Just one.
One truth, Lord, to bring this girl peace.
[Photo Credit: Michael McDonough]
So many different things came to mind, and most of what I say you know. The hardest part is moving from knowing to feeling it within your heart. Know that whatever the reason if those what ifs are destructive to your spirit then they are the enemy. I feel Isaiah 55 in my life has been helpful in moments like these….don’t miss the last part where it says: you will go out in joy and be led forth in peace….instead of the thornbush will grab the pine tree instead of briers the myrtle will grow. It is much easier said then done. I’m praying for you and hope that you find some peace this weekend.
Thank you so much, Rebekah. Means a ton. I do appreciate all you said, and I definitely needed to be reminded of it. I will def. re-read Isaiah 55. Thank you for sending it my way. So greatly appreciated, girl. I haven’t forgotten about your letter .I will get it to you. Hugs! xo
I think there are a few truths that you may need reminding of at this time!
1) it is said that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. As hard as this is right now, how much harder would it have been to carry a baby with a major genetic problem to full term and know that you will lose it within days of birth? Someone told me about a woman in her church who’s baby’s brain has not developed at all. The baby has somehow survived in utero to almost full term, but is unlikely to survive birth, or at most a few days after. God only ever gives what he feels you can handle. Right now He wanted to save you further anguish with the possibility of a baby with severe, life threatening disorders.
2) Not every sadness in our lives is sent as a punishment! Often it is to prepare us for some other task. Maybe you will cross paths with someone who needs your compassion and empathy when going through what you have been through. Maybe your path is to help other women get through this kind of pain and anguish. Maybe you needed a particular medical intervention in order to make the difference in a future pregnancy. We don’t always know why obstacles are put in our path, but He always has a good reason for them. Even if it’s years before the reason becomes apparent.
3) Faith is personal, and only gets stronger through questioning and finding answers. I do not believe that this is a punishment, or sent from the devil. I believe that this is an opportunity for you to look at your faith and find the places that you can hold fast, and use those places to anchor you I order to ask the hard questions and find answers within yourself.
I know that you will come out of this stronger and more determined. And you will come out of this different. But know that it is not a punishment! It is an obstacle that you will overcome with the right support and you will use what you have learned about yourself and God from this experience to help others one day!
Strength and Love to you as you work though this.
Bianca, thank you so much for your thoughtful response – for taking the time to write out so much encouragement for me. It means so much, and it truly helps. Everything you said is 100% and I am so grateful that you took the time to remind me. I know God is love and good, and definitely has some way of bringing good. Slowly, it is sinking in. I am so appreciative of your insight and support, friend. I am so thankful for so many caring friends to hold up. Many thanks, friend. xo
Adored like I’m the only one
He bends over and kisses me
with a love like no other.
Never a more intimate love known
than a heart inflamed by God,
and now to you alone do I belong.
But when least expected…
I’m passed a cup of the most
bitter of wines again and again.
This greatest of loves is also
the bearer of deep torment,
unbridled agony, along with
hope, sent a drop at a time.
Thank you for giving me
a heart that loves you.
Left wondering where you’re
beloved is hiding, as
you’re heart, mind and body
are slammed against the
shore with each incoming
wave, that what once was
is hardly recognizable anymore.
Hanging on by a thread.
Will you remember me?
Madness engulfs the one
dropped off at the farthest
curb, with no memory of how
to return home.
Not for the weak of heart, nor
the strongest.
Life becomes a very bad joke
as you watch the once shiny
diamond polished by Him
return to the lump of coal.
Pleas for help, cries of despair
go unanswered. With each
passing day my heart grows
colder, you’re warmth fainter
and I find life not worth living.
I’ll never settle for less than
all of you.
You’re shown me too much,
loved me too deeply; I cannot
will not go back.
I must have you all for my own.
Waiting for you to bring me
back to life…
my beautiful Puppet Master.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem. I know God has me in the palm of His hand. Your poem beautifully expresses much of what I’m feeling – both on the surface and deep down.
Thank you.
Forgiveness, widely talked, yet not widely walked, is nothing short of nourishment for an overburdened heart. Releasing me, as well as you from a place neither of us wants to be. In a word… freedom.
Within a compassionate heart, I notice you matter in every situation. This in itself is salvation, releasing me from something that would otherwise eat me up from the inside out.
By putting myself above no one alleviates digestive distress, therefore enables me to process this very large meal I’ve just been served, in a way I won’t later regret.
Through the mirror of self recognition, I’m unable to think what you do is worse than what I do. That my hurt, hurts more than yours. And its through this thoughtful heart, I secure a safe path for both of us through the foibles of life, keeping us equally yoked… equally blessed.
Again, thank you for sharing your heart. Beautifully expressed.
I am not sure I have the right words to say but God is a loving God and would never take away a life to punish you. There is no evil in him…the bible says that only good and perfect gifts come from him. The bible also says that the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy but through Jesus we have victory…we don’t have to put up with his schemes and we do this through speaking to the devil, resisting him and telling our mountains to move in Jesus name. The devil wants you to lose hope, question whether or not God did this or if you have some hidden sin that you can’t figure out. Tell him to flee in Jesus name. The most important thing I want you to remember is that God loves you and he is not punishing you for something. He only corrects us through His word. Keep pressing into Him and seeking Him for peace and comfort. Psalms says that he heals the brokenhearted. He feels your pain and He is holding your right hand. I know that God never meant for any of these things to happen to you (it is never God’s will for his children to suffer) and what the devil is wanting to cause you harm, God can and will turn it around for good if we allow Him too. I am not sure if any of what I wrote helps you because I feel like all i want to do is give you a big hug and just let you know that God loves you more than you can fathom. Earthly fathers do not break their kids legs to teach them to not run into the street…God is more loving than an earthly father and He would never take babies away to teach us lessons either. xoxoxoxo
Thank you so much for your encouragement, Elisha. It means so much. Thank you for being a good sister and reminding me of those truths that the enemy tries so hard to take from me. Yes, He is loving. He is good. This is not His way. Thank you for breathing some hope into my soul again, friend. I am so grateful. Many thanks and hugs!
Powerful post! I can definitely relate to feeling “Stuck.” Especially this – “But here is my fear: What if this is our fault? What if this is God’s discipline? What if there is some sin in our heart or lives that caused God to allow this to happen? Sometimes (not all the time), suffering is the result of sin. What if it is this time?”
Don’t go down this dark road; I’ve been there, it’s a dead end! If you cannot remember anything else (when you feel “stuck”), remember that “God is GOOD” and “God is LOVE.” Keeping these in mind was a lifeline when I felt stuck; reject every thought that does not comport with a good and loving God.
Thank you so much for your comments. It really helps coming from someone who has felt the same way and has been there. I so appreciate your advice, and I have thought about it many times in the past few days. I totally helps hearing this from someone who has walked out on the other side. I am grateful that you took the time to comment and encourage. It means so much. Thanks again – very much.
“If you cannot remember anything else (when you feel “stuck”), remember that “God is GOOD” and “God is LOVE.” ” – AMEN!! <3
I know, what a perfect word. I have hung on to that!
Every post I’ve read of your has always made me imagine that you are the nicest of people, that you look out for others, and are giving and loving and thoughtful. As such, it troubles me that you would wonder if you are being disciplined and I just want to reach out and hug you and tell you that’s impossible!
I will never forget my doctor’s words to us when we had our miscarriage. He told us that it happens, more often than is discussed, no-one is to blame, God is not punishing us and that it’s important not to see myself as a victim. He told me to control what I can (nutrition, exercise, outlook) and the rest is just statistics.
Of course, there are those pesky doubts and feelings that come up, despite all the reason and logic in the world, but then I think back to what he said and I know that if it were based on who is deserving or not, many who have children would not and vice versa. These things happens and they hurt us, but they are not punishments! Keep the faith Katie. This too shall pass.
Thanks so much, friend! it is so good to have friends speak the truth to us when we can’t see it our selves. Thank you for sharing what your doctor said – and just your encouragement in general. Thank you so much for your words of life. It is so hard to see it sometimes when you are in a dark place. But I am so grateful for caring friends who remind me!!! You are a good friend, Sass! Thank you so much! Big hug!!!
A friend of mine passed on something super encouraging the other week. Luke 1:5-7 ~ “In the days of Herod, king of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah, of the division of Abijah. And he had a wife from the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years.” Zechariah and Elizabeth were both righteous in God’s eyes! The fact that they did not have a child was not due to sin or unrighteousness on their part. I struggle with feelings of not being deserving or not being righteous enough to have a child, and that must be why I’ve struggled with infertility for the past three years. The reminder of Elizabeth’s righteousness and infertility was such a needed reminder and calmed my soul so much! Praying for you!
That is so beautiful!! And encouraging! Thank you so much for sharing that. That truly soothes my soul and brings me a great amount of peace! I will hang onto that . Thank you for letting God use you to encourage me! Thank you so much!! Hugs!
It is so hard to know what to say. We all have our own walk with God, and what we go through differs so much, and for so many reasons. One thing has held true in all of my life’s circumstances, though – I understood LATER. The Lord has rarely shown me at the time His reasons for a situation, but later I can see. We only see now, which makes it SO, SO hard, but that’s where our dependence on His perfect plan comes into to play. 🙂 Big *hugs* to you tonight!
Thanks so much, Valerie. I totally agree with what you are saying. I don’t know if God will ever ‘explain’ it to me, but I do think I will be able to see some of the good that comes from it. Thank for encouraging my faith and being with me in this!