My body is slowly getting better.
My heart – while not necessarily better – it is acclimating to life again and is finding ways to smile.
My spirit? I feel like I am stuck.
This might be the hardest and most painful for me to deal with out of all three. Because I need God as my anchor. Because I know that without Him, I would just collapse into a heap of hopelessness. So, how can I feel whole and at peace when my spirit feels fractured and splintered?
How do you go forward when your spirit is stuck? My heart and body are slowing going forward, but I can’t leave my spirit behind.
So I am stuck.
The question that keeps ringing in my head is, ‘God, why didn’t you answer our prayer?’
Part of me wants to be angry at God. And part of me is scared He is angry at me.
Even though it is the most futile of ways to expend my energy, I am trying to make sense of this – as if somehow, finding some reason, making some sense, will make it better. It doesn’t bring my baby back, but gaining some perspective would actually bring me some peace.
I pray about this, asking God to give me some kind of answer – not a ‘reason’ why this happened, per se – but something that will bring my heart peace. I don’t know what ‘that’ is. But He knows.
And He is not saying much.
Yes, He did give me my rainbow. That is something. It’s huge, actually.
I believe all of the love and support of so many people are ways He shows me He cares.
One of my students wrote a beautiful prayer for me in her journal, without knowing what happened. She could just ‘sense’ something wasn’t right with me. Yes, I believe God was behind that.
I ran into my former pastor’s wife last week – and she prayed with me. She encouraged me to believe that I was worthy of this (a successful pregnancy). To not believe the devil’s lie.
And maybe that is it. A lie I am believing.
Well, I don’t really have it all sorted out – and sometimes it is so messy inside my heart and head that I can’t readily separate my feelings from what is true.
But here is my fear: What if this is our fault? What if this is God’s discipline? What if there is some sin in our heart or lives that caused God to allow this to happen? Sometimes (not all the time), suffering is the result of sin. What if it is this time?
And I feel like that unanswered question is causing much of the angst within my soul.
I don’t know that it is the case – I am not saying that it is the case…but my mind feels tortured in wondering, ‘But what if?’
I have asked God to search my heart – to see if there is anything displeasing to Him. Certainly I am not perfect, but what would qualify as being bad enough to exact that kind of response from God? Wanting this baby too much? Making an idol of it? (I genuinely don’t feel like I crossed that line. I don’t know. Maybe I did). Too many Seinfeld reruns? What?
Nothing hidden and secret jumps out when I pray…
So is this all in my head? A lie I am believing?
In my mind, I can rationalize that God lovingly disciplines us – He doesn’t punish us; I can say that He is gracious and gives us many, many warnings before He disciplines us; I can say that God is good and just – and the ‘punishment fits the crime.’
When I look at it that way, I think, ‘No, I don’t think that is the reason.’
But I guess I wish God would tell me that Himself.
I don’t really need to know the specific reason why we lost our baby…but, I guess need to be reassured that whatever the reason was – it was rooted in absolute love, that in His perfect knowledge and understanding, it was the most loving decision He could have made concerning us.
But I’ll be honest -while I ‘know’ this, my heart isn’t convinced of that yet.
Maybe because it still feels so bad. Maybe because of my own neurotic worries and fears. Maybe because, sometimes, that just seems so impossible.
The heaviness in my heart because of this rift between me and God makes it hard to find joy in anything else. Yes, there is grieving over my loss, but this is a different kind of sadness. Like I’ve lost my best friend. Like I’ve fallen from grace.
And this second grief compounds the first.
Maybe this is just in my head. Even in the middle of some irrational thoughts, I believe there is more to this than I am even capable of knowing. I truly believe there is good behind all of this (somewhere, but yes, I believe it is there). At least I want to believe this.
I know there could be 1,000 reasons why God allowed this – none of them necessarily having anything to do with some sin.
My prayer is that His truth would scream louder – and drown out the crazy thoughts that might be nothing more than insidious lies.
Lord, I don’t need to know 10,000. I don’t even need to know 3. Just one.
One truth, Lord, to bring this girl peace.
[Photo Credit: Michael McDonough]