No eating or drinking after midnight.
A D & C in the morning.
All that bleeding I told you about? Apparently – not enough. I didn’t even pass the sack. My sonogram showed that it was still there, intact. A little mishapen now – but fully present.
I was stunned. Stunned. I thought, for sure, ‘There’s no way that anything is left in there.’
Shows what I know.
So, after a little (well, a lot) of shuffling, my doctor got me in for a D & C with my OBGYN tomorrow.
All day, I fluctuated between disbelief and anger. After that horrible, traumatic experience, it still wasn’t enough. I still needed a D&C.
After all that.
Damn it. How?
Afterwards, I was a mini-hurricane at work today – trying to get my sub plans and copying together for tomorrow, getting in last-minute reviews for end-of-quarter tests, juggling and rescheduling meetings, tying up last minute details for our field trip Monday – trying to get done so I could leave early for another sonogram and another doctor’s appointment – this time a pre-op appointment. At least we are changing things up a little, right?
Just to add a little context – there’s been a ton more going on in my household than just my miscarriage (although you wouldn’t know it from my blog). My parents are closing on their house this week, leaving the house we all grew up in, the one that they have lived in for 45 years, and they are moving to Florida. My husband has been having some issues at work that have added incredibly to his stress levels – and therefore mine. One of our cats was doubled over in pain from a UTI this weekend, and our other cat got hit by a car Tuesday (thankfully, he is OK – in pain and pretty banged up but I’m glad- and amazed – he survived).
It’s been a rough few weeks.
So, this D&C? To me, things keep going from bad to worse.
After my appointment, I’m pulling out of the doctor’s driveway and driving home, and the tears of frustration start coming. Again. I am so done with this. It seems like this is a nightmare that just won’t end. It keeps going on and on and on….When?
I’m trying so.hard not to question God and have faith that He has good reasons for allowing all this, but I’m feeling like, ‘God – just throw me a bone, here! How hard do You have to make this on me? Isn’t losing my second baby enough?”
How much more?
I am just hating that I am having to go through this.
So, I’m driving home (it’s rainy and miserable out – which suits my mood perfectly)…but the sky is getting this crazy look to it…all sorts of crazy colors – blue skies below these ominous but beautiful purpley-grey-pink clouds. As I’m driving north, the sun starts breaking through these crazy clouds to my left. The whole sky, the whole western horizon from end to end, turned this electric gold. I mean, it was glowing like the lost city of El Dorado. Blinding.
And to my right? A rainbow. I mean a full-on, top-to-bottom rainbow.
A rainbow. A promise.
A sign from God.
And for some reason, that rainbow slowly began to rub out and soften some of the sharp and jagged edges of my emotions….
God threw me “a bone,” so to speak. He’s there. He sees us.
As I started driving east, the whole sky behind me was glowing…so bright that it lit up everything in front of me. Everything was completely aglow from this raging, electric golden sunlight behind me.
There are so many spiritual metaphors I can draw from this – the beauty in and following the storm, the need for rain and sun to have the beauty of a rainbow, etc. But beside this, I couldn’t help but notice not just this raging, glowing sunlight – but the fact that it was behind me, lighting up everything in front of me.
Sometimes God’s light comes from behind. We don’t really see Him or His light, but it lights everything in front of us. God, His light, colors everything, even when we can’t see Him. But He makes His presence known in a way that we can see. He knows how to reassure of His presence, even if we can’t see Him.
Even though the scenery I viewed driving home is the same scenery I see every day, the light from behind changed and colored what it looked like. The same…but different.
And I think that is true for my situation – the miscarriage, the misoprostol, the D&C, the disappointment, the sadness: none of that has changed, but God shining His light on it, even from behind, can somehow ‘spin’ this into something beautiful. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, I don’t know what it will look like or be like – but somehow, He can make it beautiful.
My spirits were just a little bit brighter by the time I got home. So then my husband came home and told me that his day ended in an interesting way – with a meeting with one of his high-up administrators. I felt an immediate twinge of fear, but reading his body language, I knew things must have gone alright. And they did. There was a lot of open, frank, respectful conversation that left my husband feeling so much better about his job, his role, and it just renewed his motivation and enthusiasm.
Oh, God – Amen. Thank You.
And then he said to me, “And Kate, when I was walking out to the car, I saw this huge rainbow…and I said, ‘Alright, alright, Lord…’ ”
I jumped up. “Me, too! I saw it, too! I knew it was from God! That was for us! That was our rainbow! I knew it!”
He smiled, “Yeah…. yeah….”
So, God reached out to us. Somehow, He found a way to me. To break through my dark clouds and this stormy torrent and shine some light. To bring some promise of beauty. Some hope.
I still have a D&C in the morning.
But I think the forecast is looking a little brighter.
[Photo Credit: Belindah-Thank You]