From Bad to Worse…to a Little Better
It’s a 11:45pm, and I am forcing myself to stay up until midnight to make sure I have my last snack and drink.
No eating or drinking after midnight.
A D & C in the morning.
All that bleeding I told you about? Apparently – not enough. I didn’t even pass the sack. My sonogram showed that it was still there, intact. A little mishapen now – but fully present.
What?
I was stunned. Stunned. I thought, for sure, ‘There’s no way that anything is left in there.’
Shows what I know.
So, after a little (well, a lot) of shuffling, my doctor got me in for a D & C with my OBGYN tomorrow.
All day, I fluctuated between disbelief and anger. After that horrible, traumatic experience, it still wasn’t enough. I still needed a D&C.
After all that.
Damn it. How?
Afterwards, I was a mini-hurricane at work today – trying to get my sub plans and copying together for tomorrow, getting in last-minute reviews for end-of-quarter tests, juggling and rescheduling meetings, tying up last minute details for our field trip Monday – trying to get done so I could leave early for another sonogram and another doctor’s appointment – this time a pre-op appointment. At least we are changing things up a little, right?
Just to add a little context – there’s been a ton more going on in my household than just my miscarriage (although you wouldn’t know it from my blog). My parents are closing on their house this week, leaving the house we all grew up in, the one that they have lived in for 45 years, and they are moving to Florida. My husband has been having some issues at work that have added incredibly to his stress levels – and therefore mine. One of our cats was doubled over in pain from a UTI this weekend, and our other cat got hit by a car Tuesday (thankfully, he is OK – in pain and pretty banged up but I’m glad- and amazed – he survived).
It’s been a rough few weeks.
So, this D&C? To me, things keep going from bad to worse.
After my appointment, I’m pulling out of the doctor’s driveway and driving home, and the tears of frustration start coming. Again. I am so done with this. It seems like this is a nightmare that just won’t end. It keeps going on and on and on….When?
I’m trying so.hard not to question God and have faith that He has good reasons for allowing all this, but I’m feeling like, ‘God – just throw me a bone, here! How hard do You have to make this on me? Isn’t losing my second baby enough?”
How much more?
I am just hating that I am having to go through this.
So, I’m driving home (it’s rainy and miserable out – which suits my mood perfectly)…but the sky is getting this crazy look to it…all sorts of crazy colors – blue skies below these ominous but beautiful purpley-grey-pink clouds. As I’m driving north, the sun starts breaking through these crazy clouds to my left. The whole sky, the whole western horizon from end to end, turned this electric gold. I mean, it was glowing like the lost city of El Dorado. Blinding.
And to my right? A rainbow. I mean a full-on, top-to-bottom rainbow.
A rainbow. A promise.
A sign from God.
And for some reason, that rainbow slowly began to rub out and soften some of the sharp and jagged edges of my emotions….
God threw me “a bone,” so to speak. He’s there. He sees us.
As I started driving east, the whole sky behind me was glowing…so bright that it lit up everything in front of me. Everything was completely aglow from this raging, electric golden sunlight behind me.
There are so many spiritual metaphors I can draw from this – the beauty in and following the storm, the need for rain and sun to have the beauty of a rainbow, etc. But beside this, I couldn’t help but notice not just this raging, glowing sunlight – but the fact that it was behind me, lighting up everything in front of me.
Sometimes God’s light comes from behind. We don’t really see Him or His light, but it lights everything in front of us. God, His light, colors everything, even when we can’t see Him. But He makes His presence known in a way that we can see. He knows how to reassure of His presence, even if we can’t see Him.
Even though the scenery I viewed driving home is the same scenery I see every day, the light from behind changed and colored what it looked like. The same…but different.
And I think that is true for my situation – the miscarriage, the misoprostol, the D&C, the disappointment, the sadness: none of that has changed, but God shining His light on it, even from behind, can somehow ‘spin’ this into something beautiful. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, I don’t know what it will look like or be like – but somehow, He can make it beautiful.
My spirits were just a little bit brighter by the time I got home. So then my husband came home and told me that his day ended in an interesting way – with a meeting with one of his high-up administrators. I felt an immediate twinge of fear, but reading his body language, I knew things must have gone alright. And they did. There was a lot of open, frank, respectful conversation that left my husband feeling so much better about his job, his role, and it just renewed his motivation and enthusiasm.
Oh, God – Amen. Thank You.
And then he said to me, “And Kate, when I was walking out to the car, I saw this huge rainbow…and I said, ‘Alright, alright, Lord…’ ”
No.way…
I jumped up. “Me, too! I saw it, too! I knew it was from God! That was for us! That was our rainbow! I knew it!”
He smiled, “Yeah…. yeah….”
So, God reached out to us. Somehow, He found a way to me. To break through my dark clouds and this stormy torrent and shine some light. To bring some promise of beauty. Some hope.
I still have a D&C in the morning.
But I think the forecast is looking a little brighter.
[Photo Credit: Belindah-Thank You]
Oh Kate, sending you love and strength. I’ll be thinking of you today. It’s so hard. Be good to yourself xx
Thanks so much, Lisette. I am an add-on to the surgery schedule…so I am at home waiting…and starving…lol. But thanks for your love and support. xo
Sending you prayers….Be kind to yourself with lots of chocolate xx
That sounds perfect, lol. Thank you!
I’m so very sorry Kate. This is so much more than anyone should have to endure. Sending you strength for tomorrow. I went through a similar experience with my second miscarriage. I waited for it to happen naturally but it didn’t so I too took the Misoprostol. Unfortunately, it didn’t work for me either. I also did a repeat dose, but discovered that the miscarriage was still incomplete at my followup ultrasound. After reading your story, I’m really beginning to think the medication is the worst option our doctor’s can give us! I’m glad you are having a D and C right away. I had had a D and C with my first miscarriage so I stubbornly chose the wait and see method instead of having another D and C at that time and it took months for it to end. After months and months of waiting and bleeding on and off I had to have a hysteroscopy to explore the uterus and fully remove all the tissues. From beginning to end it took 8 months. I was almost at my would be due date before I was back to “normal”. Needless to say, I didn’t hesitate with my 3rd miscarriage and had a D and C right away. I’m sure my story doesn’t really help you right now but I just wanted to give you a little reassurance that you are probably making the right decision and I hope the D and C will help you get through this and begin to heal. Your rainbow story gave me chills. That was a beautiful sign from God indeed!
Wow, thank you for sharing your story. They sound so similar! It is crazy…misoprostol was so awful, and I thought for sure it was over. It was so disheartening to find out that surgery had to happen even after that. Grrr.
I am so sorry that you had to go through what you did. A miscarriage is hard enough (so sorry it has been 3 for you! Ugh!), but to have the physical part so drawn out really hinders the emotional healing. You just can’t move on.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I feel like I did all I could to avoid the D&C, but there’s no way around that. And I’m at peace with having to have it. Doc wanted to go right away …it’s probably close to 4 weeks that we haven’t had a heart beat…didn’t want to risk infection by waiting…
I’ll be checking out your blog to see more of your story. Thank you so much for your encouragement.
Friend- we are definitely soul sisters. You have been on my mind almost constantly and I’ve been praying for you even in wee hours I have to tell you that rainbows are a major significant part of my story. I mean a huge part. God has showed up with a rainbow at some of the craziest moments that ended up being game changing life altering moments. So to read this post I am so encouraged and thankful to see him show up in such a splendid miraculous way to remind you that he sees you. I’m thankful he has connected us through our blogs and it’s my honor to pray with you.
Would you mind if I link to your blog in a post?
ALW
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Annie, thank you so much for sharing that. I love hearing that, and it is so encouraging and affirming. God used a rainbow in my life at other important times – even when I was dating my husband and praying about if he was ‘the one.’ So, the fact that we both saw it (and we were about 15 miles apart from each other) was just so confirming, that God sees all of our struggles – mine and his – and that there is a promise for something good on the other side of this.
I am so grateful for our ‘virtual’ friendship as well – and God has really used you and your blogs to speak to me on several occasions. Thank you so much for your faithful prayers. I am positive that it is prayers making this bearable in any way.
And of course, you can definitely link to this in your blog.
Thanks, Annie. So appreciative of you and your sensitive heart. xo
Ok God used a rainbow in our dating story as well! I can’t believe we have that in common!! I wrote about it on my blog I’ll send you the link. So wild!
So cool! Can’t wait to read it!
Here is a link to our dating story and rainbows… this is one of many big rainbow moments. I got a double rainbow the day I told my employer I would not return to my job after my first child was born and a rainbow on the day we named our first child. Seriously rainbows everywhere. And actually, I am going through something right now and God used YOUR rainbow to encourage me today I love how he works!!!
http://livingcanvas.wordpress.com/2009/04/28/how-i-met-my-husband/
Oh my gosh. I read your whole story. First of all, I love how God used the rainbows. Amazing. I love that God is giving you a rainbow from my blog. Yours!
Second, our stories are SO similar! When we first met, how I hoped he would talk to me, I was with another ‘guy’ friend who ruined my chances, my concerns with being a stronger Christian (really, a Christian longer), the caution, the reservations…my love for missions and wondering where he stood on it (I was ready to start planning moving overseas when we met)…all the confusion and wondering if this is what God wanted… the answered prayers, the signs…
I was walking with a friend on the track, telling her about my struggles…and as we rounded the corner…a double rainbow! Two! And I knew that was God…
I will send you the link to my old blog which has some of the stories…
Also – McLean Bible Church. I’m sure you know Will Pavone – one of the pastors? We went to the same Christian school – through jr. high, high school – same group of friends, both went to Liberty U – he was one off my great and close friends through high school and college! One of my favorite people. His mom is still a teacher where I work…love their family…love that you were (or are?) connected to that church
I love all the uncanny similarities and ‘coincidences’…
So cool. Truly made my day.
(I’ll dig up those links and send them to you.)
Here’s how we met: http://onegirlsjourney-wedding.blogspot.com/2009/08/how-i-came-to-meet-borders-guy.html
I’ll send the one about missions in a separate link…not saving my comment when I try to retrieve the other link.
And here’s the link for my missions inner conflict http://onegirlsjourney-wedding.blogspot.com/2009/08/missions-marriage-and-providence-of-god.html
(And we did go on that trip to Nigeria and it was a game-changer. He was amazing on the trip and the deal was (mostly) sealed after that. We ended up going to Nigeria again after we were married, and we are on the missions committee at our church. God is faithful).
Last one, lol. This is how we got engaged (the link is at the bottom of the blogpost. I was away on a missions trip when he was asking my dad and getting for our engagement. That was another big time of prayer and seeking God. http://ahundredaffections.wordpress.com/2013/07/18/throw-back-thursday-engagement-day-7-18-09/
Oh Kate.. By the end of this I was bawling for so many reasons. When I was feeling so defeated, asking God, “Why?” The SAME thing happened to me… we were leaving church and I was particularly frustrated and we saw a rainbow too. It was one of the most magical moments and I won’t ever forget knowing that God had given me a sign. Hang on to that sign! He was talking right to you. You know sometimes I do feel like God gives you more than you can handle, but only through Him do you have the strength to handle it. Hang on to God Kate. It is so amazing that your husband saw it too. 🙂 I’ll be thinking about you and sending prayers for strength through and after your D&C. Hugs.
Thank you so much, friend. I LOVE hearing how God has used rainbows in other people’s lives… it is so affirming to me, that God is speaking through that to me, as He has to others. I truly believe that is His personal sign that He uses when He wants to encourage and bring hope and promise. So glad that was the case for you, too. Yes, it definitely feels like it is more than we can handle, but somehow, we get to the other side and survive. And He even finds a way to use it.
Thanks for all of your support, friendship, encouragement, etc… I am waiting for the phone call to go to the hospital…I am an add-on for the day…so just waiting…and starving, lol… Thinking of you this weekend. xo
Love this. Made me cry knowing the reality of how He shows up in unexpected ways. Love and prayers for you this morning, Kate!
Thank you for your prayers and love, friend. Means so much. It helped my heart so much to have that sign from Him. Waiting for the call to go to the hospital…but my heart is at so much more peace. Thank you.
I love that you saw that rainbow! I’m going to claim it to, if you don’t mind. Last night I was sitting in a parked car sobbing to my husband about the same things — frustration, can’t-get-a-break, where is God. So I loved hearing God whisper to you, and you recognize “He sees me.” I’m going to borrow your encouragement. And I pray the D&C is the bottom of your hill and your hope keeps building from here!
Please – take the rainbow, too! I totally believe that God works that way! This journey is so, so hard in so many ways…and it truly feels like it will never end. I sometimes wonder if I can keep going through this…but in many ways, it feels like I have no choice. I know we won’t give up, even though it just hurts and hurts some more. I am praying for you…that things look brighter and that God finds ways to personally encourage your heart. But take that rainbow. God sees you, too. He hasn’t forgotten. xo Hugs, friend
My favourite places in the world are anywhere I am surrounded by the beauty of nature as far as the eye can see. It is so rejuvenating to be immersed in natural wonder! Makes me feel so big and so small at the same time and humbles me to accept that I am not in control and this world turns no matter what I have to say about it. Thinking of you today – big hugs and love to you!
I totally agree. There is something about seeing these things that man has no hand in and no control over…it is definitely freeing. Sometimes you just have to let go. As much as we would like to, it is impossible to micro-manage our own existence. And I love that God used something that could only come from Him to speak to my heart.
Thanks for your thoughts…I am waiting for the call from the doctor’s office for my time go to the hospital…
xo friend.
Katie, thanks for sharing your heart……and I rejoice with you in the amazing way that God showed you HIS! Rainbows have always reminded me of our great promise-keeping God! How absolutely cool and powerful that He gave you and your husband both that rainbow and the surrounding sky of ‘glory’ last night. I loved reading all the analogies you were able to draw from that whole visual experience as well. God sure doesn’t share all ‘the answers’ and my heart has been breaking for you as you have had to struggle through such a drawn out, pain-filled heart-ache with the passing of baby # 2….but I am grateful that He is there and He is not (still) silent! I am praying for you…and have been, day by day! Hugs!
Thanks so much, Cheryl, for your continued support. It really did relieve so much of the pressure in my heart. It helped so much to know that He acknowledged what I was experiencing and gave me something hopeful from Him personally to hand on to. Thank you so much for joining in this journey with me – for your prayers, your sympathy, your concern… it truly means so, so much to me. Thank you a ton, Cheryl. Your faithful support has been overwhelming. xo
I’m so sorry you are having to go through something so gut-wrenching, so hard. Your blog gave me hope, I was in tears by the end of it. Amazing that God showed the rainbow to both you and your husband! What an awesome God we serve. Rainbows have been part of my story, too. I saw two this past August and knew it was God telling me everything would be okay. Even if we aren’t sure what they mean or what He’s trying to tell us at the moment, at the very least we know that He’s telling us He’s with us, He understands our pain, and He won’t let go. Big hugs to you.
Thank you so much. I feel the same way. I don’t know what they mean, but like you, I totally believe that it means that He sees and that everything would be OK. I have heard so many other stories about people and rainbows. I love how God totally uses that as ‘His’ sign…no one else can imitate that.
I am so glad that you were able to find hope through this post. It definitely helps my heart to know that. I am looking forward to coming by your blog (I’ve been a little behind in that!) Thank so much, friend. xl
Oh, you are SO STRONG Kate….remember that. And yes, that rainbow was for you and your hubby…God is always there during our happiest and also our saddest, most hopeless points as well…I’m so glad he was able to show you….you WILL find the light. I read “Jesus Calling” every morning…and I found today’s reading to be fitting:
“Learn to appreciate difficult days. Be stimulated by the challenges you encounter along your way. As you journey through rough terrain with Me, gain confidence from your knowledge that together we can handle anything. This knowledge is comprised of three parts: your relationship with Me, promises in the Bible, and past experiences of coping successfully during hard times.
Look back on your life, and see how I have helped you through difficult days. If you are tempted to think, “Yes, but that was then, and this is now,” remember who I Am! Although you and your circumstances may change dramatically, I remain the same throughout time and eternity. This is the basis of your confidence. In My Presence you live and move and have your being.
“Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10”
Lots of prayers and healing your way friend!! xoxoxo
Oh my gosh, I love this. Thank you so much for encouraging my heart. These definitely are promises that I am hanging on to. He is with us, He will get us through, He doesn’t change. Still hurts, but it gives us hope. I love that devo from Jesus Calling…
Thank you for your support and caring and for the encouragement. It means so much!! xo
Also that’s neat you have a connection to McLean Bible Church. I lived in DC for 4 years and went there for a little while! 🙂
How cool My good friend from home (we are on Long Island) has been there for a long time..I’ve heard so many good things about it. Never been, but would def. love to check it out someday!
Thoughts and prayers…
Thanks, friend. Praying your pregnancy is going well and that you are finding peace (read your last post). So heard to keep it together…I don’t think pregnancy will ever be normal for us. Praying you get an ‘all is well’ report for your next visit. xo
Sending love you way! Ya my house has been nuts too and like you my cat has a uti I found that out after she peed in my purse!! Ya had to clean credit cards wallets and ew… Hope things start getting better for you !!
Sorry about your cat! Thanks for your kind thoughts. Much appreciated!
Praying for you my sweet friend. He is with you every step of the way. Wish I could give you a giant hug!
Thanks so much, Chels. I feel the same (wish I could give YOU a big hug!) Thanks so much for your prayers. I know He is faithful and will give us what we need each step. Such a hard journey – but I know that everyone has their cross to bear…thanks so much for caring, sister! xo. Thinking of and praying for you as well!
Ah…is it odd or is it God…a question that we often already know the answer to. I have been enjoying the splendor of His beauty via nature lately too and just awestruck that we can see this every day. It’s quite amazing how a small piece of nature, or a grand rainbow like gesture, can turn our souls around, our minds, our emotions. We are blessed to have our minds and hearts open to this. And you clearly saw this, as did your husband. He spoke to you in the language of senses. How utterly cool is that?
It goes without saying that I am sorry you have to go to these lengths to finish this journey. You have lots of love and support – lots here, that’s for sure. My impression, if I may be so bold, is that this is going to perhaps prepare you for sharing this to many more women going through this. I can see you as a messanger of hope (you already are), and once you pass through this (and you will) you will be in a different place, and your energy will shift and your presence will change and you will have that certain something that others will find alluring in you. Call me nuts, but there is something nudging you to this experience, to come out working His plan. I feel the same with what I am going through and what every single one of us is going through.
He’s with you, he’s always been with you.
Blessings,
Paul
Thank you for such kind and inspiring words, Paul. I am truly grateful for your thoughtful response. Yes, I am so grateful that God found a way to speak to us. He knows how to get through to us!
And yes, I hope and pray that He uses this to help others. I know, deep down, nothing is wasted. Nothing. And while it doesn’t feel good to go through it, there is something comforting in knowing that there is a reason and purpose behind it all. For all of us.
Thank you so much. I believe this for all of us, like you said. It helps to know that when we go through our trials.
Thank you, friend. Hope all is going well with you on your end.
Thank you for sharing your rainbow and God’s presence with us! Praying that your recovery is smooth this week.
Thank you so much, friend! Slowly but surely, I am getting there
I’m sorry for what you are going through but how amazing that you received that sign of hope. God definitely answers when we need it. I can’t wait to read your happy story when your time comes. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you continue on this journey.
Thank you so much, Shelby! It was so helpful that God gave us something we can grab onto. Yes, we are praying for a happy story someday…God is faithful! I know He will come through in His way. Same to you, friend!
Oh Katie this made me cry. My heart hurts for you during this time but I am so inspired by your faith and YOUR RAINBOW. I also saw a rainbow shortly after my miscarriage. I have said before, I prayed for strength and God is making me strong. We will be stronger through Him even though we have to endure this storm first. Praying for you sweet girl!
Thanks, Alexis. Your encouragement is tremendous… I’ve heard of so many ‘rainbow’ stories, and it gave me such hope and confirmation! My pastor has often said that God is more concerned about making us strong than happy. And the more I go through life, I really see why strength supersedes happiness – at least in certain moments. Yes, we will be stronger- and I truly believe with great purpose. Thanks so much, friend. With you in this!
Praying for you, my dear. I did not find the D&C or physical recovery from it to be difficult – emotionally, though, it was tough. At a minimum, your body will be able to start the healing process now. I hope you’re able to find a moment to rest, and I hope you feel God’s presence and the hope that comes with his promise to you. xo
Thanks so much, Eli. Means so much. Yes, I def. feel like this is easier on me than the meds. I am grateful to be able to start to walk to the other side of this. I truly believe He will get me through this, even if He has to carry me at times. Thank you, friend!
Oh Kate…. I’m having a hard time typing this through the tears!! That was SO beautiful!!! I’m sorry that your heart is hurting so badly, but I’m so glad that you can feel God’s warmth and touch through that pain. You are an amazing person and such an inspiration!! <3 I will be sending prayers & LOTS of love your way!!
Thank you, friend. Your thoughts and prayers mean so much. I know God is with us…there are definitely moments that are so hard on us, but I believe that He will somehow get us through and we’ll have some clarity on this in our heart. You have been a wonderful support and encouragement! Thank you!
I’m always here for you! This weekend I had the opportunity to go to the Women of Faith conference and it was AMAZING. This woman spoke who wrote a book called “Turnaround God”. She talked about how God is a god of Slowly & Suddenly… But that we need to understand that He is the God of BOTH and if He gives us slowly & we have to go the long way around that often we will receive more blessings than if we’d gotten our answers suddenly. It was pretty amazing and I’m butchering it, but wow. Her and her husband were diagnosed infertile and struggled for 5 years… IVF & all. She never mentioned whether she has kids, but she appeared to possibly be pregnant. It was WONDERFUL to hear someone speak on it that KNEW, ya know? ❤️
That weekend definitely sounds amazing! So glad it was a blessing for you and a ‘God-thing.’ Love that! I definitely will have to check it out! Thanks for sharing!!!
Anytime! ❤️