In the Aftermath of a Miscarriage: Week 2
It’s a little surreal that it has already been 9 days since we found out that we lost #2.
I can’t even remember the past week…I feel like I was living it asleep.
But life has sort of forced me out of the fog and into the land of the living.
Nobody sends you a map showing you how to find your way through the journey of grieving and healing; everyone sort of needs to forge her own way through it. It looks different for everyone, and you sort of make it up as you go along.
It’s been hard. I won’t lie about that. But, it’s getting better. Maybe I wouldn’t say that. Maybe it is more that it is ‘less bad.’
I’m not intentionally trying to make progress. I don’t think grief works like that; you can’t ‘try.’
But if I had to assess, on most levels – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – I think I’m mostly spiraling up.
Physically, it’s a mixed bag. The good news is that I am not as nauseous, tired, or bloated. My boobs are getting less sore. Physically, I am feeling more like myself. The bad news is that my uterus is hanging on to this little one. The sack and fetal pole stopped growing, but they are still attached and intact. That’s not what my doctor was hoping for.
Technically, I lost this little one probably right after my 8 week sonogram. That was three weeks ago, and there is no sign of my body naturally letting this go. If there is no bleeding or if the sonogram doesn’t show any changes, my doctor will give me medication to ‘force’ it along. He suggested we wait until the weekend to do this. “It’s a pretty wicked 24 hours,” he said.
(Great! So excited to have this to look forward to this weekend!)
Emotionally, it’s getting a little better, too. The tears are less frequent. I can actually talk about it without crying. I don’t know if it is numbness or healing setting in, but I am less emotional. Good or bad? Not sure.
I still have my trigger-moments. This week definitely had some sensitive spots, as it was this week last year that I found out I was pregnant the first time.
As all of Long Island has been reminiscing about Hurricane Sandy, all I’ve been doing is reliving every moment of that week as it related to my first pregnancy: trying to get to the doctor’s office while I had no phone, no heat, no hot water, no electricity. There were gas shortages and mazes of downed trees blocking every route of passage. I was worried that I was breathing in toxic fumes from all the candles I had lit in my house to try to generate some light and heat. Those were my first days as an expectant mother.
So this week, I have been reliving two losses. All in a year’s time. Told you I’ve always been an over-achiever.
Spiritually, things are loosening up. I haven’t really been able to talk to God about this too much. But this week, there was some breakthroughs in our conversation. I finally just said to Him, ‘Say something! I need You to say something about this!’
It kind of felt like when you are going through something – good or bad – and your closest friend or the person who means the most to you stays silent. Doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t acknowledge it. What the heck? Say something! Don’t just ignore this!
And I felt like He did. It came in a very unexpected way. I was home after work cooking dinner, and my husband was in the living room watching TV. He was actually watching some cartoon on the Christian channel about Jesus’ death and what happened when He showed up after His resurrection.
First, seeing the story told in that way made me realize just how unjust His death was, even from a human perspective. These Jewish religious leaders plotted His murder – His murder! And the Father allowed it – the murder of His own Son in order to save mankind from death as well.
So, I was at the sink cleaning some dishes, and I just heard Jesus say to my heart, ‘I love your baby, Kate.’ And as my eyes started welling up with tears, I realized that He knew my baby and He loved her (I feel like it was girl. Just my feeling). He would take care of her. She is special and precious to Him. He knows her.
And then, I realized how important Jesus’ death and resurrection is in all this.
If Jesus, who had all of perfection in eternity – heaven, a perfect relationship with the Father and the Holy Spirit, no pain, suffering, no ugliness, no loss – was willing to give all of that up to experience all the pain and suffering we feel, to enter into our suffering and loss – and then to look death in the face, experience it Himself, conquer it and come out on the other side – if He did all of this to make sure death would never be the permanent answer to our losses, to make sure my goodbye to my babies wouldn’t be forever, to make sure they would live and so would I and we would be reunited again – couldn’t I trust Him with them? Couldn’t I trust Him with this?
Hasn’t He already proven how much He has invested into making sure that death never need be final? Making sure I wouldn’t be facing this loss with sheer hopelessness that my babies were gone forever? At so much personal loss to Himself, He entered into death to make sure death would never have the last say or be the final victor. For our sake.
Couldn’t I trust His judgment? Trust the goodness of His heart?
He is not a distant by-stander, watching this unfold from afar. He has already gone through to the heart of pain and suffering and death itself to defeat it (when He didn’t have to), and certainly, He knows the way to walk me through to the other side as well.
If He willing chose to go through all that, in order to be able to identify with us – with our sorrow, our loss, our grief – to rescue us, to save us – could I trust Him that He knows what He is doing? That it would be impossible for Him to do (or allow) anything that didn’t have its source in His perfect love for me?
So, while I wouldn’t say things are ‘back to normal’ spiritually for me, my heart is softening. Not that I would say that it was hard- maybe just a little numb. A little lost.
And I’ve been in situations before that were different but kind of feel that same; I know He will walk me through and that He will get me through. I know He won’t leave.
And I feel like that gives my heart freedom and room to just go through these feelings and thoughts – even the ugly ones – knowing He won’t abandon me because of them. He is patiently by my side, letting me go through this at my own pace. No pressure.
So, for the first time in weeks, maybe longer, I’m feeling something that has escaped me for a long time – since before I was pregnant, probably even before that:
Peace.
It’s not ‘peace like a river,’ it’s not peace with my circumstances, it is not the peace of understanding or acceptance. It is just a quietness in my soul. A stillness. A lack of frenzied mental activity. A lack of trying to figure things out. A lack of questions. A lack of worry. It is just still.
Maybe it is just a ‘worn-out’ stillness, when there is nothing left to do or try. An exhausted rest of coming to the end of struggling, striving, figuring.
My soul is quiet tonight. And even if it is just a brief respite from the tears and grief, I am grateful peace found me tonight.
[Photo Credit: Lutonomy]
Hugs.. I read your entire post and it made me tear up. I know your pain, but what struck me is when you were talking about how He knows your little girl. That helped me find a bit of peace too. It is a wonderful feeling to know that our babies are with Him and he loves them..
Thanks for all of your support, friend. This is such an unpredictable ride – but God somehow can speak into small moments, bringing little nuggets of comfort. Not always an overwhelming healing at first, but just enough to get us by until the next wave. Thank you for being here.
It’s just so sad all around Katie and I feel for you. It really never goes away entirely, but it does get better, as I’m sure you know all too well. Doesn’t make getting through it any easier knowing you will make it out though, and you are right not to force it, but to take it as it comes. Hugs and love to you!
Thanks, Sass. I know you and so many others know this sadness. You just gotta walk it out. We know better days will come. Sometimes it is slowly. Thanks for all of your kind thoughts and support. Thank you, friend!
I absolutely love the times when I’ve had that peace that PASSETH understanding. When I know I *should* be (fill in the negative emotion here) but I’m not because of Him!
I am so sorry, Kate. You’ve been on my mind. XO
Thanks so much, Valerie. It is a roller-coaster of emotions, as you know. The peace comes and goes, but I am so grateful when it comes. Thanks for your support. xo
Peace to your heart, Kate.
From one who understands…
Thanks so much for coming by…I’m so sorry that you can ‘relate’ to this…hugs to you.
I appreciate and love this so much. We’re having a sad day here, and I needed someone to say the things I’m thinking. And thanks for sharing your struggles and being honest. I’m so sorry for these days for you.
So sorry for your struggles, too. This is all just so hard. I know we would never wish this on anyone, but it does help so much to have someone ‘in it’ with us and can relate to our struggles. Praying that your days get easier. xo
I know how you feel. I had 3 losses myself. And I feel our bodies are designed in such a way that it knows when something is wrong and ends it. It’s not God. It’s design. And it’s for our own protection! We just have to think positive and wait for the right time 🙂
Thank you so much for coming by. I am so sorry for your 3 losses. I agree…our body definitely knows – and I know that God isn’t to blame. It does get hard when you know He can do miracles…but I truly believe that is where our faith in His goodness has to kick in and carry us through the questions and doubts. Thank you for your encouragement
Some of the things you have written resound with me in different ways. Especially when you mention the spiritual distance ( not really wanting to talk about it with God) that has been a familiar place, where I would be caught up in emotion and just simply feel unable to communicate. I too have also been truly reminded of what Christ has done for us. As Christians Jesus’ death becomes so casual and comfortable at times, and then we are reminded, and it is so much perspective. In my darkest times when I’m frustrated with the cards that have been dealt to me, and I remember the loneliness, the abandonment and utter unfairness Jesus suffered for my sake, I have found that similar peace you mention. The calm, because it doesn’t mean the grief stopped or true acceptance came, but it is that tiny faith that is sparked. The faith that regardless of everything I know God’s insane love for me and he sees everything, and I will be still in that.
Anyways you are still on my heart and in my prayers! I’m super sorry about having to endure that physical/emotional torment this weekend. My heart breaks for you in all of this! I love you! Take care of yourself, and just rest in those small truths that come to you,
Thank you so much for sharing, Rebekah. That means so much . I know that you certainly have had your share of trials and pain, and it is so great to see you have such deep roots in your faith. Yes, I know that God will bring us through. Definitely a painful road…but thank you for your prayers. They all help. xo Bek! Thank you!
All this brings me back sad memories of my miscarriage. I feel your pain on so many level! Big hug!!!
xoxo, Eszter
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Thanks so much. I’m so sorry for your previous lost. They are all painful. So happy that you now have our beautiful baby I am sure he must bring you such joy 🙂
Thinking of you xx
Thanks! All the best for your journey too!
I love you, Kate. I know that God will bring you through this. Wish I could make it all better for you. Let’s talk. Let me know when a good time is. Tomorrow night maybe? XOXO
Thanks, Baby. XO. I know He will, too.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart! Your honest writing and perspective really speaks to me and I am keeping you in my daily prayers.
Thanks so much, Amy. This definitely is a painful story for me, but I pray that God can use it in some way. Thank you so so much for your prayers.
*tears* “I love your baby Kate.” Powerful words from The Lord and a powerful reminder that He loves everyone of His children so deeply – the unborn and the born. I am praying for you, that you will continue to hear His quiet whispers and feel His gentle arms of comfort wrap around you. You are strong. I hear that medicine is pretty cruel so I am praying that your body passes it naturally. Oh I just wish I could give you a hug. Much love fellow sister.
Thanks for your kind words, Chelsea. They mean so much! I just read your last post, and I am so so impressed by your hope and faith. I feel like it is harder for me to find these days. But I know that we will get there. I am praying that as you step into this new path that you will see God move on your behalf in a miraculous way!
I am grateful that peace found you tonight also. What a beautifully moving, honest post. Just that you can express yourself like this so soon after your loss seems miraculous to me. What a reunion awaits us in heaven – getting to see and touch and embrace our babies. You are a blessing to me Kate.
Thanks, Diane. This is a tough road this time around. I am looking for the bright side and the redemptive side. Some days it is easier to find than others. Thanks, Diane!
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I’m glad you have been able to find peace. That wasn’t something that I was able to find until after miscarriage #3. It is definitely quite a relief. Reading this post made me tear up and gave me chills. You bring up such a good point about God’s love for your baby. Such a good perspective on it all. I’ll be praying for you.
Thanks for your prayers, Shelby. I am so sorry for your 3 losses. So heart-breaking. I am definitely finding #2 harder than #1. But I am sure that God will get me through. It feels like a slow journey, but I know He is faithful. Thank you for your prayers!
I have nominated you for a Sunshine Award: http://thebsquirt.wordpress.com/2013/11/03/spreading-a-little-sunshine/
Through everything you have been through you have been amazingly supportive of others in this community and I hope that this award brings a ray of sunshine into your heart!
Thanks so much, Bianca. That means a great deal to me. I will try to share the sunshine too!