Waiting for a Possible Miscarriage
Not that any week when you are dealing with infertility, TTC, or an uncertain pregnancy is easy, but this week has been another challenging week to get through. This is almost starting to feel normal to me: the agonizing wait.
I thought I would get my answer about the fate of this pregnancy tomorrow morning, but sadly, my doctor has to reschedule for Monday. See? More waiting. Nothing unusual about that. What’s 3 more days when you are watching every grain of sand fall through the hourglass?
Needless to say, it’s been hard getting through. But I almost got into something of a routine in my coping strategies: my new normal – at least this week. In the morning, I get up, read my Bible, pray, listen to worship music as I get ready for work. J and I pray together before I leave for work. I pray in the car on the way to work. Pray, pray, pray.
During the day is easier. Teaching requires all of my focus and energy, and it really is, in some ways, a convenient distraction. Not too many people at work know about my situation, so there aren’t a lot of questions. A few close friends and colleagues know, and they have been wonderfully sensitive and supportive.
(I didn’t really get it before, but now I REALLY understand why women don’t tell they are pregnant too soon. In situations like this, it is so draining to talk about, and almost impossible to talk about without crying. I am grateful for the anonymity.)
Nighttime is hardest. When my mind finally has time to process this situation, I am too mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted to discipline my mind to stay positive. All my fears and worries surface, and the night usually ends with my pillow soaked with tears as I don’t make any attempts at pretty, faith-filled prayers. Just desperate ones, asking God to see my heart, have mercy on us, and heal our baby.
I sleep – or try to sleep- and the same thing begins again the next morning.
In the middle of all this was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on Tuesday. I just couldn’t bring myself to blog about this…it was too much to relive the loss of our first baby knowing that I am in the same precarious situation even now.
I did put a Facebook post to honor our first baby, and that was a big step for me. I had indirectly alluded to my miscarriage on Facebook, but certainly, it was not public knowledge. However, I am determined not to stay silent (at least about the first one; not ready to go public with the 2nd pregnancy yet). I want people to know I went through this, in case some girl finds herself needing some support. As I’ve mentioned before, I didn’t know who to turn to when I miscarried because I didn’t know who had experienced this. No one should have to feel like that.
However, I read so many (of your) beautiful posts about Pregnancy Loss and Awareness, and I felt like you all were my voice for me. I appreciated so much the sensitivity to our losses, and I was hugely comforted by the fact that so many of you brought this to light with such respect, honor, and heartfelt emotion, especially when I couldn’t do it myself. Thank you.
The theme of this week has been, hand’s down, prayer. I went to the women’s Bible study at my church Tuesday, and the topic was prayers of faith. A prayer group at my church/school prayed over me and anointed me with oil at their prayer meeting on Wednesday. So many people have gotten in touch with me to tell me they are praying for us. I feel covered by it.
And I have been moved and touched beyond words by so many of you who expressed your prayers for us, your positive thoughts and support. Simply overwhelming and humbling. Truly, if there was a bright side to all of this, it would be you all who have jumped into this with me and offered your strength and encouragement. I don’t know if you will ever know how much that has meant to me and how much strength I have drawn from your encouragement and support.
I haven’t really figured out all the answers to my questions about faith, prayer and miracles. But one thing I know that God has put on my heart has been praise.
I knew that I would still worship Him if things went badly, and of course, I would still worship Him if we got our miracle. But I truly sensed that God wanted me to offer my praise and worship before the answer came. Not to wait, but even though there might be ‘pain in the offering,’ to give Him my worship now.
And honestly, when I am singing out God’s greatness and goodness and love and glory, that is when I feel the most peace through this storm. It reminds me just Who I am praying to.
So, it is about another 80 hours of waiting. I feel like I have exhausted my resource of tears. I have cried just about all I can. Now it’s just prayers, worship, and waiting. And actually, I think a lot of life can be boiled down to those three things.
I don’t know if I can say that I am thriving this week, but I am surviving. I’m OK with that – because it means I am not crushed by this. There will be a time for thriving.
God has gotten me through to this point, He is presently getting me through – day by day, minute by minute – and He will continue get me through for every day and minute that follows.
“I knew that I would still worship Him if things went badly, and of course, I would still worship Him if we got our miracle. But I truly sensed that God wanted me to offer my praise and worship before the answer came. Not to wait, but even though there might be ‘pain in the offering,’ to give Him my worship now.” – This is so beautiful. XOXO
You are in my prayers.
Thanks for your prayers, Valerie. I know that is what is getting me through.
We were writing at the same time. 🙂 XO Thinking of you and praying.
That’s tough that you had to reschedule. I know God has certainly been working on my patience through this TTC journey… guess I’m not the only one. It is wonderful that you are taking the opportunity to draw closer to Christ. I wish you all of the best and will keep you in my prayers.
Thank you for your prayers, friend. This journey is trying in every way, for all of us. But I am hopeful that God is working and has good for all of us!
Amen. Keep on praising- “Every blessing you pour out I’ll turn back to praise. And when the darkness closes in, Lord. Still I will say, ‘Blessed be the name of The Lord.”
I think that is my theme song! He deserves it, no matter what. Sometimes, it is more of a ‘sacrifice’ of praise than others!
Thinking of you Kate, hoping for good news for you all weekend xx
Thanks for all of your well wishes and support, Lisette! I know we all have our trials we are walking through in this journey. The support helps so much.
Praying for you right now so much. Peace to your heart, life to your womb. I believe he will carry you – and I pray you will carry this baby
I am truly touched by your prayers and concern. God had other plans, but your prayers and support mean so much. Thank you!
So sorry they rescheduled your appointment. I know how hard the waiting is and the just not knowing can be. Hang onto your faith.. Hang on to the hope. Know He is with you. We’re still praying Kate… Hugs.
Oh, the waiting. It is always about the waiting! Thank you so, so much for your heartfelt concern and prayers. Truly touching. I mean that.
Prayers and worship are great ways to spend waiting time. I am in awe of your beautiful spirit through this. I know how difficult this is and how one minute can seem like an hour. I and my prayer group are praying for your miracle baby and will continue to do so. I am praying that God grants to you the desires of your heart as you have obviously committed your ways to Him.
Diane, I so appreciate your faithful prayers through all this. You have no idea how much this means to me. Truly. Truly displaying the love and Spirit of Christ!
Wish I was nearby. 🙁 Praying for you, Kate. You are such an inspiration and God is using you to touch others through your story and through your faithfulness. I have my church family praying too. XOXO
I don’t know about inspiration, but I am getting by the best I can. Thanks for rallying the troops to pray. xo
Oh Kate, you are a wonderful testimony to undying and trusting faith! You’re on my prayer list and God will provide in one way or another, I truly believe that! Blessings,
Thank you for your prayers! It means so, so much! Truly touched by this.
Your faith is inspiring. God bless. May God continue to renew your strength a you wait upon Him.
Thanks for your encouragement, Lisa. Truly touched by it.
I hope next week brings sweet relief in every way possible. I said a prayer for you. I hope you have moments of peace and joy in the midst of this turbulent time. Thank you for sharing your story and your testimony.
Happy Sharefest.
Thank you for your prayers. It’s been a ride, but I believe that God will get me through. Thank you for coming by!
Was praying for you today and was so glad to see your post! I have wondered how things are going and was glad for an update. Yes, I am so right there with you believing that worship before the answer is so key. He is so faithful. Today at church, the choir sang “Blessed be the Name of the Lord”, the version that says, “You give and take away…My heart will choose to say, Oh blessed be the name…” Praying for blessings, and encouraged by your faith irregardless of the answers. You are an inspiration, Kate. Thankful for your faithfulness in the midst of the ache….
Thank you for your encouragement, friend. Yes, that seems to be my theme song. It echoes constantly in my head. Sometimes, it definitely is a sacrifice of praise more than others. But I know, deep down, He is faithful no matter what. Thank you for the encouragement!
I was thinking of you yesterday on the dreaded Monday! Just wanted to let you know.
Thank you so much. Truly touching. Wish I had better news to share…but thank you for hanging in there with me!
still praying.
You are an amazing support and sister in Christ. Means so much. Thank you for thinking of us.
I tagged you in my post for the Sunshine Award. I am only telling you this if you WANT to do it (can’t remember if you did it already), and because I wrote beside each entry, why I chose that blog…although since I am newer to blogging, I am also newer to figuring out how to follow, so, yeah, some are more in-depth reasons, while others aren’t so much 🙂 Thank you for being an encouragement in my life 🙂
Wow. I’m very honored and it is very kind of you! I will definitely jump in – it might be a few days, but I’ll get there! But thank you for the honor!